Mother's Day is just around the corner and though I love my children dearly, I'm not one of those mums who says, "Oh, I don't want gifts! My beautiful family are all I need." Nope.
So I took the liberty of making a wishlist.
Yes, I already own one but not in faux woodgrain! And also, I want to fragranate every room in the house. Yes, I made up a word. But it sounds cool. FRAY-GRAH-NATE. You can use it if you want.
People tell me my handbag is ridiculous. Everywhere I go, they tell me. What a giant bag! they say. And yes, since having babies, my handbags do tend towards the gigantic but mums need a lot of shit, okay? But even I have to admit I keep losing things in the bottomless pit of my current bag. It frequently 'hides' my mobile phone and I have to upend the entire thing on the floor of Target in a frenzied panic to find it. In summary, I need a new handbag.
Much like every room in my house requires fragranation, every room needs music. And the bluetooth speaker we have at the moment is not really portable. I mean, it's not a shipping container. I could pick it up and move it if I absolutely had to. But it's fucking annoying, okay? I need to seamlessly move from room to room with Spotify soundtracking my every move. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
Okay, I'm not even joking now. I need these boots. I bought a pair of sandals from South of the Border a few years back and they're still kicking it. The black boots I bought seven years ago from Joanne Mercer are also still kicking it BUT they now have holes in the soles. The soles are thick enough that the holes are only superficial but what happens is that small stones collect inside so that when I walk, they rattle. For a while, I told myself it was unexpected and quirky, but now it just gives me the shits. Don't tell me to go and have those boots resoled, okay? I just want these new ones. Thank you.
What? The other boots were black. These ones are clearly tan. I can't believe I'm even explaining this. Who are you, my husband?
Are these shoelaces hanging from a plywood ring? Ummm, probably. But how good do they look?
The description of this piece on Etsy reads:
"36" XLarge Macrame Wall Hanging 'Shaman Assinniboine' OOAK Birch Feathers Boho Hippie Bohemian Eclectic Fringe Brass Rustic Jungalow."
I don't even know if that's in English and who knows what the fuck a jungalow is? But I'm sure as shit not going to be last one to own one. As far as I'm concerned, just bring the entire 1970s back. Except for Richard Nixon and the Vietnam war. And the colours orange and avocado. But apart from those things, let's just have flares and macrame and hair down to our arses. Jungalow 4 lyf.
Rose Quartz is very excellent for calming and reassuring the wearer with its soft, feminine energy. It would also look dope AF on my right hand ring finger.
I could go on. But I'm kind of in a downsizing vibe right now.
And the truth is the only thing that I genuinely need is a range extender for our internet. Real happiness is Netflix in bed.
My husband does read this blog and I know if he could, he'd buy me two of everything listed here. But I also know he's dealing with the same bank account as I am so he'll read this list and just laugh and laugh. And then he'll buy me the range extender. God bless that man.