All quiet on the blog front. Sorry about that.
But I gave up Coke, didya know? Yeah. I did. And so I have been wading through the various turmoils that go with breaking a serious addiction.
Yes, that's what a nutritionist called my 3 cans a day habit; a serious addiction.
How did it even get to this point? I don't know. I guess that's how addiction works. It creeps up on you, and when you finally realise you're up to your neck in it, it's the hardest thing in the world to break free of.
For me, Coke was energy. Coke was an antidote to the crushing exhaustion of motherhood. But actually, what I knew in my heart, and what I can 100% confirm after the last week of being Coke-free, is that Coke itself was a HUGE factor in my bone-deep weariness. I was in a constant cycle of blood sugar spikes and crashes, and the only cure was a steady stream of that black poison.
And with it came the cravings. I couldn't understand why I had no appetite for healthy food. I actually really enjoy a good salad sandwich, but when I was drinking Coke, that was never what my mind told me to eat. Because what goes best with Coke? Carrot sticks? Low fat yoghurt? A piece of fruit? No. Coke and apples do not mix.
You know what does mix? Coke and fries. Coke and pizza. Coke and burgers. Coke and anything with a knockout punch of grease and salt.
Of course, I knew I couldn't be eating pizza and burgers every day. But I'd find sneaky ways around it. Instead of a salad sandwich, I'd have a salad sandwich with a big fuck-off chicken schnitzel whacked in the middle. Grease – check. Salt – check. I'd eat the popcorn meant for the kids' school lunches. I'd snack all day long, hoovering cooking chocolate buds like it was going out of style.
I'm a week into quitting. Nine days. The headaches have gone but the tiredness is KILLING me. I actually feel weak, like I'm getting the flu. My muscles ache, I feel lethargic. I am wondering how long I can expect this to go on. Headaches can at least be treated with painkillers, but the best cure for drowsiness that I've ever found comes in a shiny red can.
Oh, that can. I see it EVERYWHERE. Even during those times when I'm feeling good and haven't been thinking about Coke, I spot the unmissable red and white logo, rows of cans in gorgeous lines, icy cold and waiting, and I am instantly thinking about how it would taste, that lovely burning sensation of extreme carbonation and chemical shitstorm. The sound of the ring pull, the hissing fizz that follows.
The first sip is undeniably the best. Much like the cigarettes I used to smoke, the enjoyment factor wanes considerably at about the halfway point. It's less fizzy now, and actually, what IS the taste of Coke? It's kind of….gross. I'd finish it anyway….
This is how you know you're getting to breaking point. The thing you used to do for enjoyment you've stopped truly enjoying and yet you do it still. All the time you're still doing it, you know you shouldn't be, but you can't imagine how life would work without it.
I've had moments of absolute exhileration. I did it. I'm DOING it. I have quit Coke and this time, I know I can't go back. There is no inbetween. The hardest part is done.
But I'm not sure if that's true. Today is hard. Day 9 without Coke and I'm struggling. I don't necessarily want Coke as much as I want energy. I'm frustrated by my flatlining self. I need to keep moving, but I'm without a quick fix.
In addition to this, I unwittingly signed myself up for a 4 week healthy eating challenge which began yesterday so I am really living on the edge right now. I am in the midst of a serious lifestyle overhaul and my poor body is fucking furious with me. For now. But it will thank me shortly. I hope.
My brain is still openly plotting against me.
But I can't go through all of this again. So I am steeling myself against…myself.
I have been seriously lost. Finding my way back feels a little like walking a path of broken glass. If I sound dramatic, I suppose I am. But this is hard, guys.
Forgive me if I am quiet. Sitting at the computer is the hardest thing to do because it makes me sleepy. I have to be a woman of action.
In early October we're going to a wedding. I am wearing a dress I purchased on the internet – first I decided it made me look enormous, then decided I looked semi-okay in. I am hoping I will look the full okay in it five weeks from now.
Pray for me.