You know you’ve had too many kids when that series you’ve been meaning to watch since it began is about to wrap up its fifth season.

So collaborating on a series of posts about Offspring was the perfect opportunity to finally watch it. I wouldn’t have to make an excuse for ‘me time’ because it was a bonafide job that people were relying on me to complete.

Excellent plan, I thought, and I embarked on a quest to watch the first four seasons in one month. A total of 48 episodes in 30 days. Only 1.6 episodes a day. How hard could it be?

Well, considering I hadn’t managed to find the time to watch even ONE episode in the last FIVE YEARS, it wasn’t quite as easy as I imagined. But I was focused and on track to complete the task.

But then something strange started happening. I began to drag my feet, make excuses not to watch it some evenings. What was going on? And then I realised, I don’t want to get to the end.   

Marathon viewing is still the best way to watch a series. I haven’t changed my mind about that. Watching back to back episodes because you can’t get enough is one thing, but watching them this way because you’re on a timeline is another. I’m enjoying this series way too much to rush through it. Nina and Patrick have just decided to move in together and I don’t want to fast-forward to their inevitable demise. I was hurtling towards disaster and I care too much about these characters to want to do that. So I had to put my foot on the brakes.

I’m happier now. I’m going to sip this thing like a fine wine. And I’m going to do it with my ever-loving man beside me.

Yes! You heard right. Brendon is watching with me.

Some of our happiest moments have occurred fat-arsing it on the couch together, gorging on back to back television episodes. Yes, sharing the births of our children was a beautiful experience, but watching The West Wing without the subtitles on bonded us together with an intensity I can’t describe.

But Offspring is kind of a chick thing, isn’t it? And being that Bren studies most nights, there was a moment I thought maybe I’d have to do this one solo. To get Bren on board, I had to get creative. I had to make it seem like watching Offspring was actually about HIM. So I secretly disguised “Offspring Night” as “Date Night.”  Flaky pastry pies, red wine, scented candles and the kind of television drama which is, let’s face it, like porn for women. All the sexual frisson without the thrusting manhoods. The suggestion of shenanigans is sexier than the actual shenanigans. I admire a race car but am less interested in watching the working parts.

Hang on, I think I’ve fallen off the topic here.

 Oh, yeah, date night. Right. 

Tips for getting your man to watch Offspring with you:

• DO make comfort food. We had Chilton’s Cauliflower, Leek and Cheese pies and they BLEW OUR MINDS. Of course, some men need meat, in which case, I recommend the Chunky Beef and Shiraz.
• DON’T forget a big-ass goblet of red to wash down the pie
• DO set dress with scented candles and flowers (I had freesias)
• DON’T set fire to the flowers by putting them too close to the candle (although burnt freesia smells oddly lovely)
• DO wear slipper socks
• DON’T forget the slipper socks – seriously  

Seriously

Now some of you may be put off by the idea of Date Night since it traditionally suggests there will be nakedness at some point. My special trick is to keep saying yes to another episode until you’re both so tired you can’t even remove your pants for the purpose of sleeping. However, if you do want to have sex (hello, you strange little creature!), then Patrick with a bear skin slung over his naked torso should warm you up sufficiently.

Or have a 2-year-old. Nothing is guaranteed to fuck up Date Night more completely than a 2-year-old!

And that was the end of that…

Bren and I are part way into Season 3 and luxuriating in that glow of new love: Nina and Patrick’s, that is. Our love is old and comfy and wears slipper socks. Heaven, really. But new love is intense and exciting and fraught with complications. And so are the Proudman family. Living vicariously through their messy lives is thrilling. And torturous. And hilarious. And anxious-making. And gut-wrenching. All the things you want from a great TV drama.

If you’re up to date, you’ll be anxiously awaiting the last two episodes of Season 5. But if you’re like me and have been meaning to catch up, then you need this:

Win a Date Night Offspring Pack

Yes, my fuzzy little peaches, this giveaway is for everyone who has been meaning to catch up on Offspring or anyone who wants to revisit the first four seasons. We’ve put together a little date night pack valued at $150 just for you.

Prize includes:

• 1 x Offspring Complete Seasons 1-4 Boxset
• An assortment of delicately handmade pies from Chilton’s Artisan Foods – deliciously crafted with the freshest ingredients
• Something chocolaty to share (or not)

Note: the chilled food element means that the complete prize is only available to Melbourne residents. But I don’t want you interstate lovelies to miss out on the chance to win an awesome Offspring boxset so your entries are still welcome, but please note that your prize will not include the yummy pies. Sorry!

How to Enter:

• In the comments below, answer this question: What makes the perfect date night?

Terms and Conditions:

• This competition is open to Australian residents only. The chilled food element of the prize makes delivery of the complete prize possible only to Melbourne entrants. However, if a non-Melbourne winner is selected, the prize minus the Chilton’s pies will be given. This will reduce the prize value from $150 to $100. There will be no other compensation.
• The promoter is The Little Mumma in conjunction with Madman Entertainment and Isle of Lime
• The conditions of entry are as stated under “How to Enter.”
• Employees, immediate family members, retailers, suppliers, associated companies and agencies are not eligible to enter.
• The giveaway will close on Thursday 7^th August 2014 at noon (AEST). Comments submitted after this time will not be considered for the giveaway.
• This is a game of chance. The winner will be randomly chosen via random.org.
• The prize will be in the form of product which will be sent to the winner once address details have been provided after the competition has closed.
• The results of the giveaway will be published on this site on Friday 8^th August 2014.
• Prizes are not redeemable for cash and are non-transferable.
• If for any reason beyond the Promoter’s control the agreed prize is not available a product of equal or greater value will be provided.
• The Promoter is not responsible for prizes once they have been dispatched to the winner.

 Good luck!

 

Disclaimer: this is a sponsored post in collaboration with Madmen Entertainment and Isle of Lime. Always so much fun to work with brands who let me speak my unfiltered mind!

 

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And the winner is 

Leanne Tovo • 8 days ago

ANGIE!! I'm 29 weeks pregnant and yet to experience this Offspring juggernaut. Who cares about date night? Give me the pies and the series already!!!!