"..they were like a mirror at her weakest moments…"
I'm reading this fabulous book at the moment, The Privileges by Jonathan Dee, and while it is the story of a family, I didn't expect it to provide such a powerful gem. And on a day when the reflection my kids were providing for me was seriously unattractive.
The author is talking about how the mother sees in her children's faces that moment when she has gone too far, when they are frightened of her.
Yep. That hit me where I live.
The bad days are stacking up on one another at the moment. I blame the pointy end of pregnancy. After going through a stage (a couple of stages?) a while back of realising I had lost control of actively parenting and was operating from a point of reaction instead, I am now careful to check in with myself when I feel my mood slipping and my parenting becoming reactive again.
The battle feels completely uphill right now. And I am not winning.
On a normal day, finding a little piece of wisdom from an unexpected source could be just the thing to reboot the system and get back to being the mum…..as opposed to another whine in the deafening chorus.
Alas, today was not a normal day. So I read the gem, thought, "Wow! That's so true. Lightbulb moment!" and then got back to the business of screaming at my children.
I know that feeling. It hurts us all.
It really does.
You know what amazes me though? My kids willingness to forget. To totally move on and move straight back into my arms.
Such a gift.
Oh Angie. I still cry when I think about how awful I was sometimes to Izzy when Ayla was a baby. I was so incredibly stressed & anxious and yelling was all I seemed to do.
The guilt was all consuming. I look back and wonder why I didnt seek more help. I resented my mum and those close to me for not seeing how I was drowning. Yet I think I internalized a lot of it. I’m not suggesting this is where u are at…. It just struck a cord for me. Be kind to yourself ange, tell those who love you when it’s tough – it will get easier and you will be glad you did x
I’m sure you remember times as you were growing up when I was on the brink of insanity with two kids both pushing my buttons at the same time. I am also hoping that the memory has faded into the recesses of time. I also believe it is part of being a rotten kid and a crazy mother. If you are permanently scarred it is not obvious. Hmmmmmm….then again