From time to time (never), my readers contact me with questions they are dying to know the answer to (really, not even once).
I thought I would compile those questions here along with the answers just in case you were wondering the exact same thing as the (fictitious) readers who reached out to me (seriously, nobody wants to know anything?).
1. Have you always been so incredibly attractive?
Now, stop that, you hear? You're making me blush! And yes, yes I have.
You can ask me anything. Even though I'm ridiculously good looking…
2. Your kids are very attractive also. What is it like being a family of supermodels?
Hahaha! It's great. The perks for beautiful people are plain to see. Doors just open, ya know? Being a willowy five feet tall, you can imagine the way I make a room stop and stare when I walk in. And my children cause swooning and fainting wherever they go. To be honest, we don't go out much anymore because of the sensation we cause. Except Brendon. He goes places without incident.
3. Why do you swear so much?
Why do you bore me to fucking tears so much?
4. Will there be any serious questions in this FAQ?
Well, I don't know. Will any of my readers get serious and actually ask me a question because they find me fascinating to the core?
5. So that's a no?
Yeah, that's pretty much a no.
6. Why don't you ever write abusive posts about your relatives?
Because I was an idiot and totally told them about the blog and now there's all this shit I can't write. Except about my mum – but then, she's used to it because I say it to her face, too. Love you, Betty.
7. You're pregnant with your third child. Do you really think the planet can sustain your incessant breeding?
Dude, I probably gave birth to the person who's going to solve global warming. Or else they're going to be the next Hanson. You're welcome.
8. You've admitted to suffering from depression and anxiety. Should someone as messed up as you be breeding?
Probably not. But while ever people who vote conservatively are still breeding, my vagina and I will do our part.
9. So you'll be having more than three children?
Oh, good lord no. My vagina and I were totally pulling your leg.
10. My mind can't erase the image of a vagina pulling a leg.
I know. That one's going to give me nightmares, too.
11. What's your favourite food?
Really? You're going with inane now? That's all you have?
That's okay. Ask me about being really good looking again.
13. What's on your mind right now?
Shoes. And waffles. Obviously.
14. I can hear crying.
Yeah, that's my kid. Next question.
15. Are you glad you started a blog?
If you really would like to ask a question, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks to Mama Kat for the prompt this week.
Hilarious!! This is the one I liked the look of too. Your fictitious people ask really good questions and of course, they get suitably entertaining and smart-arsey answers in return. Gold!
Such a fun prompt, this one. Glad you chose it too! Hope I can stay awake long enough to link mine tonight.
Oh, and your vagina pulling my leg? Touch of genius there. I can’t tell you the images in my head right now…
Was the snark that obvious? I thought I was being, you know, subtle. I’m not really bitter about the no questions thing. I’m totally fine with it actually. If people want to be selfish and not stalk the pants off me, then I’m fine with it. I’m fine.
Meanwhile, you like the look of it but DID YOU WRITE IT? WILL YOU?
I wanna see. And moreso, I wanna know. Unlike my readers….. sad face.
I have been burning to ask all those questions, really I have. My curiosity is now quenched!
I had a feeling, Susan. So here I am. Giving. Because I’m a giver.
Go link it now, lady! It’s up and ready to go!
Yep, vaginas pulling legs. That never gets old…
I’m visiting from Mama Kat’s too. You made me laugh so hard I peed a little. (But then again birthing 3 kids will do that to ya.)
I made you pee?
You think it’s a three kid thing? I have this to look forward to? I thought you were my friend….
And with that, I shall follow you! From one anxious mess to another, I’m glad you wrote this week! Just please, no more leg pulling analogies, mkay?
Oh yay! Thank you. I knew my bitter ranting would win people over in the end.
And yeah, the leg pulling thing got weird, huh?
This is the MOST fabulous thing Ive read all day. Although technically we are only 54 minutes into today. Whatever–its fabulous. Loved this prompt!
You’re so funny and so ridiculously good looking and also a talented writer. How do you manage all this? Notice how I ended with a question 🙂
Ok. That was really funny. 🙂 And I was worried that MY FAQ’s would come off as snarky. Actually – I think we might be new BFF’s 🙂
Have your kids ever tried to wipe your ass? That’s the one big requirement for my friends. we all have these haunting tales.
ps. i have the same problem on my blog. the fact that I wrote “did it” on this last post is as pg as I can go because EVEN MY HUSBAND’S GRANDFATHER reads it. .. whew. you are my new BFF… that felt so good to get off my chest 🙂
You have a wonderful sense of humor, very well done!
Oh my! So fun! hunting down the FAQ posts as I’m working on my about me page for my new site and am doing a Q&A format. Can I steal a few? Esp the “what are you thinking about right now?” Perfect that it was sort of a back and forth conversation. Genius! If you are up for asking a question here is my post for gathering. http://www.farfromperfectmamma.com/2011/09/ask-me-anything.html
I don’t do very many smart things (for REAL) but not telling many IRL peeps about my blog is one of the rare smart decisions I made. Especially my freaking in laws!!
Now, can you please remove my leg from your vag?
It’s getting…awkward. Also, crampy.
I love your FAQ. Seriously. I chose the same prompt, and it’s so interesting to see how different writers approach the same topic. I love your humor, and your sarcasm. I think this is the perfect FAQ to add to your About Me page. Brilliant.
Totally won over! Vaginas pulling on legs? They’re so damned crafty! Yours is the cynicsm I love to be party to.
Love it! I have the same problem with having told my family about my blog. Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t!
can a vagina really pull your leg? I’d like to see pictures thanks.
Too funny! And I cannot get that image out of my head either, or the phrase.
I think your fictitious question asker did a magnificent job. I mean really…what else IS there to know??
How did i miss this little beauty?!!! LOVED it! Hilarious til the end!