From time to time (never), my readers contact me with questions they are dying to know the answer to (really, not even once).
I thought I would compile those questions here along with the answers just in case you were wondering the exact same thing as the (fictitious) readers who reached out to me (seriously, nobody wants to know anything?).
1. Have you always been so incredibly attractive?
Now, stop that, you hear? You're making me blush! And yes, yes I have.
2. Your kids are very attractive also. What is it like being a family of supermodels?
Hahaha! It's great. The perks for beautiful people are plain to see. Doors just open, ya know? Being a willowy five feet tall, you can imagine the way I make a room stop and stare when I walk in. And my children cause swooning and fainting wherever they go. To be honest, we don't go out much anymore because of the sensation we cause. Except Brendon. He goes places without incident.
3. Why do you swear so much?
Why do you bore me to fucking tears so much?
4. Will there be any serious questions in this FAQ?
Well, I don't know. Will any of my readers get serious and actually ask me a question because they find me fascinating to the core?
5. So that's a no?
Yeah, that's pretty much a no.
6. Why don't you ever write abusive posts about your relatives?
Because I was an idiot and totally told them about the blog and now there's all this shit I can't write. Except about my mum – but then, she's used to it because I say it to her face, too. Love you, Betty.
7. You're pregnant with your third child. Do you really think the planet can sustain your incessant breeding?
Dude, I probably gave birth to the person who's going to solve global warming. Or else they're going to be the next Hanson. You're welcome.
8. You've admitted to suffering from depression and anxiety. Should someone as messed up as you be breeding?
Probably not. But while ever people who vote conservatively are still breeding, my vagina and I will do our part.
9. So you'll be having more than three children?
Oh, good lord no. My vagina and I were totally pulling your leg.
10. My mind can't erase the image of a vagina pulling a leg.
I know. That one's going to give me nightmares, too.
11. What's your favourite food?
Really? You're going with inane now? That's all you have?
That's okay. Ask me about being really good looking again.
13. What's on your mind right now?
Shoes. And waffles. Obviously.
14. I can hear crying.
Yeah, that's my kid. Next question.
15. Are you glad you started a blog?
If you really would like to ask a question, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks to Mama Kat for the prompt this week.