So, you're all coming late to the party that is my pregnancy.
Hi! I am fifteen weeks along.
Most of us are naturally cautious about when to reveal the pregnancy to others for the obvious reasons. So we are consumed by first trimester woes whilst pretending everything is peachy.
That's hard work right there.
But now you all know so I figure, what better time than now to piss and moan about all the shit I couldn't tell you about while it was happening?
The First Little Trimester
Duration of new pregnancy elation: Approximately one week.
Start of morning suckness*: 6 weeks (aka the day the elation died).
End of morning suckness: I'll let you know.
Song I can never hear again because it reminds me of morning suckness: Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye feat. Kimbra
Song that is on higher than high rotation across every Australian radio station right now: Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye feat. Kimbra
First person I told the good news: My mum.
Second person I told: Random at the supermarket.
Most inappropriate response to the news: "Well, you know what so-and-so always said, the third child was the straw that broke the camel's back."
Person who made inappropriate comment: My mum.
Person I'm thinking of making my new mum: Random at the supermarket.
Completely accidental chroming incident: Spray painting the inside of my kitchen cupboards the day I discovered I was knocked up. I totally stopped when the headspins kicked in.
Rate of hair growth: Like weeds.
Inclination to de-hair: Less than zero.
Therefore, current pubic hair status: Bring a scythe.
Total miracle cure beverage: Mineral water with a squeeze of lemon
Number of days miracle cure kept being a miracle cure: One.
New miracle cure: French vanilla slice.
Number of days new miracle cure kept being a miracle cure: Ongoing.
The real miracle: That my arse still fits on a standard issue chair.
Defining 1st Trimester Moment: Like some kind of supermother extraordinaire, I was cooking a lamb roast for dinner. I had just begun dishing up when I asked Bren to take over for a bit. I ran to the bathroom and threw up a few times, pausing only to call out "Go on and start without me, guys!" I then returned to the dining table, sat down and asked, "Would you mind passing the gravy?"
Number of meals I cooked between the lamb roast incident and now: Two. Give or take(away).
Defining 1st Trimester conversation: Brendon arrived home 15 minutes later than I expected. This is what happened next;
Me: What took you so long?
Bren: I stopped off to get milk and some bread for lunch.
Me: Well, I already got milk. And we've eaten.
Bren: I just thought rolls might be nice for lunch.
Me: Rolls? What do you mean, rolls?
Bren: Bread rolls. For lunch?
Me: And you got a loaf of bread, too?
Me: But you got rolls?
Me: So you were at the bakery where you bought rolls but you didn't buy the loaf of bread that we actually needed? Why? What possible reason could you have for buying fucking rolls? When do we ever eat rolls? Now I have to go out and buy bread anyway!
Me: I mean, what were you thinking buying rolls? I just can't understand why you would buy rolls at a time like this!
Bren: Okay. Well…..sorry. For buying rolls.
Number of sonographers who refused to predict my baby's gender when even a psychic could: One.
Level to which Bren and I fell in love when we saw this little sepia-toned creature waving to us on the ultrasound monitor: Utterly and completely.
*I am forever correcting this typo until one day I realised, suckness is totally appropriate. Morning suckness it is.