The above are snaps* of a trip the Family M-G took to a park late last summer. I wanted to share them because I think they're sort of gorgeous, a sweet representation of family life.
Within these photos, I see captured a young family enjoying the sunshine together, having a little picnic, kicking the ball and running through the grassy field. A mum, a dad and two beautiful little boys. Happy, carefree.
But mostly, I wanted to share them with you because these photos are BULLSHIT.
Let me tell you what really happened.
– After playing the "Are we there yet?" game in the car (really, they start that to shit at 3 years old?), we arrive to a hellishly busy playground. Seriously, something needs to be done about the population explosion and all these selfish fuckers who keep pumping more kids out into the world.
– LD has a run-in with a tall kid who thinks he owns the wooden fort. I fight the temptation go over and help Beanpole realise that he ain't the boss of my kid.
– I find a nice spot on the grass to sit for the picnic but the ground is sort of damp and I realise I have forgotten the picnic rug. I bought the thing especially for all the picnics we never go on and now the stupid thing is sitting at home like tits on a bull. It's green shopping bags all over again.
– I get the camera out to document our little outing. The best part about that is that I don't have to kick the ball with the kids. Oh man, I hate kicking the ball with the kids!
– B is kicking the ball with the kids because he is a gem and let's face it, what choice does he have? I'm busy 'documenting' the fun. Which excludes me from 'having' the fun. Because I'm selfless, right?
– Oh wait, I forgot the point before the one above….I hope I'm not coming across as insincere.
– B picks Zee up and helps him 'kick' the ball and fly through the air. What an idiot. Now Zee only wants to be picked up and flown through the air so every time B tries to put him down, Zee cries.
– Zee comes to me for consolation, screaming into my legs. I give him a cuddle and then fly him through the air – right back to his father.
– I'm back sitting down, happily snapping photos and laughing at B's misfortune when I realise I am sitting right next to dogshit.
– See, this is why I hate the outdoors! And dog owners.
– I attempt to move away from the dogshit but now I can't find it. And actually, the thing about dogshit is, once you find some, you're bound to find more.
– I sit thinking about dog owners and how I would like to rub their faces in their darling doggy's filth.
– B is losing his mind trying to play soccer with both boys so I motion them over to eat.
– Because I'm selfless like that, remember?
– Zee and LD scream and fight over whose drink bottle is whose. They're both the same, for fuck's sake!
– Zee turns a container of pikelets upside down. Now all the pikelets are covered in grass. And probably dogshit. Mmmmm!
– LD has been refusing to wee because he 'doesn't need to' – yeah buddy, that foot to foot hopping and crotch squeezing tells me different.
– B and I agree the fun is, like, over.
– We pack up our rubbish and head over to the bin….wait, what? There's no bin? At the big barbequing, picnicking haven of family fun? No receptacles for trash?
– Hang on, what does that sign say?
"Please take your rubbish with you"
– Seriously, park, you will never see the Family M-G again. EVER.
*I edited these photos in Picnic and they were looking great when I saved them but something odd has happened and they're kind of fuzzy now….weird. I'm irked but I don't have the strength to re-edit them all…….