Yay! My first guest post. And not a moment too soon given I am about to die from the plague.
I would like to introduce you to my friend E. She writes a blog called E for Experience.
She is completely hilarious. When she bothers to write. After you read the piece below, you should go check out her blog, laugh your arse off and then leave a comment demanding that she write more often.
She is a wife, a mother to two smalls and she works part-time. So the reason she blogs so sporadically is obvious. LAZINESS.
Seriously, I love E.
And suddenly, a rave, the Chemical Brothers and my skin….jesus, has it always been this soft?
But, I digress…
Enjoy the guest post!
SUPERMARKET STORIES PART II
Online shopping, I love it. It’s a life saving invention and there’s a real reason (not laziness!) behind why I do it. Cast your mind back a few years and imagine a younger, brighter, less chastened version of me…..
It was a fine autumn evening a few years ago and after picking the eldest wee one up from daycare Husband suggested we make a quick visit to the supermarket to get some bread and milk (and Maltesers….)
Husband was moving quite quickly because he didn't want to get stuck in stupidly long lines…..I was carrying the wee one and trotting along behind him, straight past the fruit and veg – no time to even grab some avocadoes, Husband? Nope? Must keep going and then –
I am laid out on the floor.
Yep, I slid along the floor ON A GRAPE…….. for fucks sake.
Because I was holding the wee one I managed to control the fall a little and landed on my left knee before falling on my side. I fell on the wee ones leg – but had managed to sustain most of the blow to my left knee so I sort of rolled onto him instead of smashing into him.
Husband was in such a rush he didn't hear me shout, "uh oh Husband…." I had to shout 'HUSBAND!' again so he would turn around.
Apparently, what he saw looked like an out of practice circus performer doing the splits……one leg forward, one leg backwards and at that stage I had thrust the wee one in the air and was holding the pose, my act completed, just waiting on that applause.
The wee one was crying alot, I finally snapped my legs back in joint and got up. Two staff rushed straight over to me. They were really nice in a patronising way (at least they weren’t laughing like Husband). They ran off in a panic to get the manager and when he got there I burst into tears. Was it the painful splits or the sheer embarrassment that some elderly folk had seen my undies?
I did wonder what people were thinking, I realised that as I was being led off crying by the Supermarket manager, Husband walking behind me carrying a loaf of bread (well we were there for a reason). Maybe people might have thought I had just been done for shoplifting.
"Oh dear, look at that not enough money to buy a loaf of bread, didn’t her mother tell her there’s no money in circus acts, she wasn’t even that good…… the poor child…."
The wee one was fine though – no bruises – I think he was just shocked. We ended up spending ages in the manager's office filling in deathly boring OH&S reports, my knees throbbing in resentment for being made to bend in a very unnatural way.
Afterwards, we still had to go back out there and do the shopping, me limping, Husband lamenting that now the lines were super long.
At the checkout, the manager came over and gave me a box of chocolates – so sweet – although won't stop me from suing if I have to. He even rang the next day to see if I was ok – I'm sure that's protocol but he was very nice about it all.
So this is why I hung up my supermarket bags for good – I declared that from this day on we were only eating what I could grow. So again, I thank the Maker for internet shopping or we would have starved a LONG time ago……
Love your stuff E as usual 🙂 !!!!!! But next time you make a guest spot (and Angie when you do your next one) make sure it isn’t the day after i do bootcamp that was all about the core, working on core and laughing my guts off at your stuff has left me with a very sore core 🙁 !!!!
Ah… nothing like waking up to a humiliating supermarket story.
And E, how dare you be so ‘lazy’. We need more of your writing!
Thanks for sharing, Angie. And thanks for the Chemical Brothers flashback.
Wait – what?
Ooops! A sore core is the worst. But yay for bootcamp.
And yes, E is hilarious, isn’t she?
She specialises in supermarket misery, our E.
But she’s just so lazy….
And seriously, such soft skin.
Ahahahahaha – sore belly from too much laughing. The visuals, the visuals!!!
I know! I can just see that Olympic pose!
I live for your tales from the supertmarket E. I do, I do! xxxx
They’re an institution, aren’t they!