There was a time when I could not sleep for all the thoughts in my head. A frantic mind full of 'stuff,' I had a lot of trouble switching off.
The exhaustion of motherhood has been a complete cure.
But lately, there's been something keeping me awake at night, and I can't quite believe it.
When people ask me if I am having any more children, I make a face and say one of the following;
"Oh, fuck no!", "I've shut up shop", "We're DONE" or "I refuse to drive a people mover." Sometimes I will regale people with the story of how I told the obstetrician tending to me post-birth to just go ahead and sew the whole thing up on account of how I wouldn't be needing it anymore. The men in the room looked confused but then it wasn't their vagina that had just accommodated a human head on its way out.
So then why have I been awake nights wracking my brains for a possible name for #4?
Four babies had seemed like an adorably round number until we had one actual real life baby and then it crossed our minds that one single and only baby was also a really great number of child. But Bren and I can not help but live life on the edge and so here we are with three small humans of our very own.
Harlow's arrival should very well have placed a perfect pink full stop on the baby-making chapter of our lives. I waited to feel done – the 'done' I've heard women speak of with such firm but contented finality.
In every possible way, another baby would not be a good idea. Another baby makes no sense. But who has babies because it's the good and sensible thing to do?
I can't say I want another child. But I can't say I don't.
I wonder if some women never get to the 100%, not a shadow of a doubt END in their hearts. I look at this family Bren and I have made and I do get a sense that we are all here, present and accounted for. I don't feel another baby is waiting to join us. But the idea that a chapter of my life has closed…I can't think of it without a pang of bittersweet.
Perhaps it's because this little person is about to turn one year old.
Tell me, are you done in your head AND your heart?
And also, Birdie is a cute name, right?