Oh, little girl, sleep in NOW! Before it's too late!
Here is the number one question I would ask pre-kids Angie:
“What the hell did you do with your time?”
For the life of me, I can not fathom how I managed to achieve so very little back when I had nothing BUT time in which to achieve it. I was rolling in time, luxuriating in it. My time was almost wholly my own. Yes, I worked but then I came home and hello! TIME.
So I’ve been thinking about it. Thinking about what I miss. Here’s a little list. It’s not nearly complete and certainly not in any order of importance (except if it was, Bold would probably still be at the top…)
- Watching Bold and the Beautiful – it’s not even like I was an avid, never-miss-an-episode fan. But when 4:30pm rolled around each day, I could watch it if the mood struck. I could watch it. I had that choice. That was a choice I had. Now, when 4:30pm rolls around, I am freaking out about what the hell to cook for dinner, realizing the kids are still in their PJs and hurriedly changing them before Daddy gets home and what the FUCK is that crunching underfoot?
- Choice – just in general. Just the ability to do whatever the hell strikes me as being a nifty idea in that very moment. Oh, to have the choice to choose again.
- Eating Out – well, duh! Eating out is lovely – except with children. I hear there are people who take their very small people out to dinner. I hear those very small people sit at the table quietly, perhaps colouring in, eating their meals without drama, being adorable. 1. Who the fuck are these children? 2. I hate their parents so much. 3. My children are the devil and taking them out for a meal always ends in tears (mine).
- My Tits – ornamental only (mostly). Fulsome and perky. Works of soft yet firm, alabaster art. Le Sigh.
- Going To The Bathroom Solo – it was a simpler time, those days of closing the toilet door, perhaps catching up on some light reading. Directives and discipline seem to lack force when delivered from the toilet seat. Apparently, pants around ankles is power-diminishing in the eyes of a child. It is their cue to unleash unholy hell, to fight, to cry. Or to bring books and demand they be read. Seriously? People, I am ON THE TOILET.
- Sleeping – not even ‘in’, just regular sleeping in its basic, unbroken form. I look at photos of me pre-baby and then now. Broken sleep will age you like a motherfucker. FACT.
- Lazy Weekend Shagging – B swears we never did this. Yeah, but we could have. Geez.
- Shoes – I used to buy them. And also, WEAR them. So pretty. Pretty, pretty shoes. I love you.
- Reading – sometimes I would read whole books and it didn’t even take me four months. I know! Can you believe it?
- Drunk Dancing – the best kind. Oh man, I really miss drunk dancing.
- Hangovers – I know, weird, right? But a big night followed by the ability to just wallow in misery, venturing off the couch only to procure greasy food and DVDs? Heaven.
- Music – my music, loud. I have this weirdo kid who covers his ears at my music (soft) and shouts at me until I stop singing (rude). Damn weirdo kid, killing my good time.
- Me – Angie, pre-kids. Whoever she was. It’s hard to remember her at all these days. I’d like to tell her she does good. I think that might have made her smile.
Tell me – what do YOU miss most?
Oooh yes so many times I have said that to friends .. What the FUCK did we do before we had children ? And girlfriend my list was very similar to yours minus the bold and beautiful, i was more of a closet home and away girl back then =) But yeah… i know …… i hardly remember now but I do remember that when Luke was a a baby I had a kick arse shoe collection most of which I was too scared to wear as I would stumble sleep deprived on heels. Now my shoe collection is very modest, all flats, all sensible for my poor feet that ache so bad at the end of the day of running around after 2 small people. Oh and im with you THOSE children that sit and quietly colour in resturaunts ?? Is it a myth ? Some kind of fairytale ? No idea but mine are not fit for that and the last time I attempted it, Kai upended the table and Lukes nuggets and chips went flying along with his drink and smashed to a thousand pieces on the ground =( There were tears… and yep they were mine and Lukes. Wouldnt trade this life for anything , but yes I lament =)
All of the above, hun… I’m hearin’ ya!!
Definately using toilet in peace without my 18 month daughter squatting in front of me blabbling away at me, trying to look in toilet, playing with toilet paper or laughing at me!!! I actually flipped out the other week Andrew was taking her to supermarket so I could get some things done I think right toilet in peace first only to have them both walk in Lila crying and Andrew asking me to come with them cos she was crying and wouldn’t get in car. Well to say I yelled is said lightly I flipped out stood up pulled up pants washed hands stormed past them yelling FFS I can’t even pee in peace went to pantry got sweet biscuit shoved it at them said FFS just put her in carseat u r the dad!!! And then proceeded to clean up the mess of a house bliss not!!
Oh man, you’re a funny funny girl. Laughing loads right now!
This bit just got me…”Sleeping – not even ‘in’, just regular sleeping in its basic, unbroken form. I look at photos of me pre-baby and then now. Broken sleep will age you like a motherfucker. FACT.” I am feeling so aged it’s insane!! I just can’t remember what more than 3 hrs sleep in a row feels like…Ruby just turned one, surely that will freaking change soon??!!
I miss spooning with my husband and shagging when and how we wanted. We loved to eat out too….. sigh….
I miss $$$ and not worrying about them constantly!
Thanks Angie 🙂
Oh and yeahhhhhh toilet-ing in peace….it’s so wrong, a baby grabbing at your knickers which are around your ankles when you’ve got your period!!!! So wrong…
Definately agree whole heartedly with this list. Such a good giggle reading it! And yes, sleep deprivation is cruel to the skin. Cruel!
Hmmmm.. what do i miss? This is going to sound awful but I wouldnt mind getting shit faced and not have to worry about waking up to needy children… I miss boozy lunches that went for hours and led in to evenings that led in to all nighters. Dancing on someones coffee table to ‘Tiny Dancer’ at 3am!
I am trying really really hard to think of something that I miss (other than sleep) that doesnt involve being intoxicated but I cant right now. How sad!
Oh God, your dinners out totally sound like ours. So shitful.
No, would never, never trade but I am looking forward to reclaiming some of myself eventually….in 20 years….
Ha! Thanks, love!
Oh yes, toilet paper rolls unravelled in the floor = SCREAM! So annoying.
And men? Seriously, what is up with men?
Hehe! I NEVER get to go to the toilet in peace – my 23 month old boy has worked out how to open the toilet door, and of course his 11 month old sister follows him! I had my period last week, and my little boy pointed at my blood stained pad (sorry if this is too much info!), declared that it was poo, then tried to sniff it and went and grabbed me a fresh pair of undies! Ah, to go to the toilet in private. Bliss. Seriously.
Oh yay! I love when you laugh!
I’m not saying anything about Ruby and more sleep. Nope. Not going there. Who knows, maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones…. 🙂
$$$ – of course! Again, why didn’t I own 7 houses??? What did I do with my cash???
Oh yeah, shoes and eating out…..
Oh god, that IS wrong. I am one of those crazy women who doesn’t get her cycle back until breastfeeding has well and truly ceased. I have had 3 periods since 2006. TRUE STORY.
I am so with you Jess. So, so with you! Drunk and free of responsibility. Bliss.
I love dancing on coffee tables. Sigh.
Oh good grief, is there no end to the humiliation? There is no dignity in motherhood….
Drunk dancing? Yes. Choosing to watch whatever TV crap I wanted, when I wanted? Yes. Crapping in peace? Yes!
Not having to always consider where I put down my hot drink/mobile/any fragile object… yes.
I don’t miss the hangovers, though. I miss the night-befores, but not the morning-afters.
Hope the packing is going as painlessly as possible for you right now. x
PS: Small children + eating out = nightmare! Do children really exist that allow their parents to enjoy a non-homecooked meal? I’m in doubt. And don’t get me started on toddlers at barbecues (at child-free homes with lots of pretty, delicate objects). We’ve been to two in as many weekends, and I’m already over it. I miss relaxing barbecues!
Oh hun that is so so true!lol
Taking kids ANYWHERE for ANYTHING is arse.
And yes, putting anything down requires muchos prior thought. Otherwise, there’s permanent marker on the furniture and drinks spilled. Annoying.
Yep, SAD but true!
Love that list….so true. I miss the shagging most. Giving each other the eye and disappearing for a lazy (or should that read energetic) afternoon together. And the restricting factor here is more the 10 year old than the 2 year old. The 10 year old knows something is going on and looks at us weird if we try anything during daylight hours. And yes to pretty shoes and oh how I miss daytime television. And cooking with out screaming hungry kid touching everything and trying to eat it raw – uncooked chicken..not good!!! And I miss the time when I didn’t have to have every kitchen cupboard kiddy locked. I could just open the door and get what I want out without needing some Macgyver type device to trick the kiddy lock. Sigh
Oh and Eating out. We went out for a family meal last weekend to….wait for it…Macca’s!!! The only place you can eat as a family and it doesnt matter if your kids run around like ferals and no one gives you dirty looks if they do.
Okay, I might have to delete the shagging bit, Ruthy. I can’t have Bren reading that kind of thing and potentially undoing my hard work in convincing him that women with children NEVER have sex.
Oh and the 10 year old would totally be the problem. Of course. Observant little bastards.
Mmmm, raw chicken.
Yes, MacGyver locks are completely annoying but it IS funny watching Granma try to get into them!
Yes, Macca’s is a ‘come as you are’ affair!
I think instead of writing this blog you should have chosen which door to have thrown kids out of, got drunk, drunk danced then got a hangover, listened to loud music and watched dvd’s n(oh and the B&B) while playing with your tits, which “husband” paid for a new silcone set the week previous. Oh and then of course had a MASSIVE sleep in with loads of shagging…..
Welcome to my life…..
and i have cool shoes…..
Oh my goddess, scary, yet funny and humiliating, I feel for you.
now THERES a reason to get preggas…..
Oh Jess, I love you way of thinking, if i were a millionaire, i would buy all of you ladies Nannys. xxoo
SORRY!!!!!!! no really i am. seriously IF i were millionaire I would buy you all nannys so you could all go out get fucked up and watch dvd’s the next weeks……
Acey, my love, can you feel that???
It’s my hands around your virtual neck!
Sending you a lotto ticket, darlin! xxx
and have new tits. ok i’ll stop now.
Of course my children were so angelic that I didn’t need to have kiddy-locks on the cupboards. Wronggggggg! Bloody things hadn’t been invented yet and I had cupboards without handles so I couldn’t even use ruuber bands are them. Laugh away my girl. I am the answer to a night our with your fella BY YOURSELVES!
You are the answer to many, many things, Granma!
Love you for it.
But also love a joke at your expense. Luckily, you can take it. xxx
Aaaaahhhhh….drunk dancing and peeing alone. Goodtimes!
hee hee hee, hey! not so tight! cough choke.
I can’t figure out how I worked a full time job, had school all day and still was able to party all night. Now i get tired at 8pm.
oh my… I have to agree… wholeheartedly!!
If I only knew then what I know now…..
**stopping by from TRDC