Close Encounters

by | Feb 21, 2011 | Uncategorized | 18 comments

BMX Bandits 
 This is going to sound crazy but I’m being harassed by the BMX Bandits.

Except some of them ride scooters instead of bikes and they’re all much younger than those guys in the photo above. And no-one has crazy Nicole Kidman hair.

And none of them smile at me. Ever.

And there are way more than three. Sometimes I have seen them ride in packs of, like, ten.

Their ages range from twelve to as young as maybe six. They live in the same street in the same estate as me. And they are FULL of menace.

In fact, we live in a close which is to say, it comes to a dead end. Therefore, we have no through traffic and in many ways, it is a lovely place for children to play.

Anyone but these children.

They ride haphazardly around the street (which is already ridiculously narrow due to developer greed), having absolutely zero respect for the rules of the road and certainly none for their own personal safety.

On the first occasion they came to my notice, I pulled out of my driveway one afternoon and was met by their staring little faces. As soon as I pulled in front of them, I saw their silhouettes flash in my rearview mirror. I suspected mischief was afoot but I had no proof.

A few days later, B confirmed that they had car surfed behind him by holding onto the tailgate.

Ha! I knew it. Mischief. Well and truly afoot. Afoot as mischief can be!

Other infractions have included deliberately cutting in front of my moving vehicle, riding along side me in a way that is very unnerving, and also, yelling out, “Shut up! Your singing is crap!” when my totally NOT crap voice happened to float out of my open window and into their menacing and clearly, stupid little ears.

And they don’t wear helmets!  

Oh, and this one time, I was driving home from the gym and they followed the car to my driveway. Then, in menacing gang fashion, they stared at me as I proceeded to attempt to reverse the vehicle into my garage.

It was 9.30pm on a school night and frankly, why weren’t they at home in bed?

“It’s 9.30pm. Shouldn’t you be at home in bed? Where are your parents?” I demanded.

They all looked at me blankly. Except for one boy. The oldest of the lot. The alpha dog. He just smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up.

Are you serious?

Is that not a future serial killer right there?

Last week, I was winding slowly through our street on the way to pick up some dinner. The entire gang was out and milling in one driveway. There were at least ten, so many that they were spilling out onto the street. And then there were two or three kids on the other side of the road. They all turned to watch as my car approached and not one of them, not a single one, made a move to inch their bikes forward so that I might pass through easily. Being that I had small kids on either side of me, I was genuinely nervous about hitting one of them.

I managed to manouevre my way through but then caught sight of some wild gesticulating in the rearview mirror. But before I could determine what was going on there was a “THUMP!” as my wheels bounced over something. I hit the brakes, my heart in my mouth. I turned to see a couple of the kids circling something in the middle of the road. A scooter. A fucking scooter! Only after I had passed by and was seconds from hitting it did they seem to recall that someone had left it there.

I kept driving. A hit and run, I suppose. But I figured it was best to keep going because if I had gotten out of the car right then, I would have cried.

And possibly strangled one of them. Lightly. Just to teach them a lesson. By strangling.

When I returned, the gang was nowhere to be seen. Vanished. No doubt called inside to wash their hands and eat their dinners. Bad asses.

I kept bracing for a knock on the door. An irate parent shaking a broken scooter at me.

But no such knock was forthcoming. Either the scooter was fine or the kids figured leaving it in the middle of the road gave them very little recourse.

There have been no further incidences.

The menacing has abated somewhat.

But last night, while I held an unsettled Zee, I thought I heard something outside. As I was rocking the little one back to sleep, I peeked through the blinds. Riding along our street, at 11.30 at night, were three of the kids. Not one of them older than twelve.

11.30pm? For a child? Where the hell are the parents?

It was then I thought that my funny story about the menacing gang of BMX bandits didn’t seem so funny anymore.   

Hello friends


I’m Angie!  I mum. I write. I wife. My husband would say this is the correct order.  He’s so neeeedy. I live with my family in Melbourne, Australia, where I complain about the weather for 90% of the year – but I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Except maybe in Lake Como, waving to my neighbours George and Amal each morning.

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  1. Fran

    Oh my gosh…Angie! That is absolutely crazy!!! Who to/how do you report something like this? It must be so frustrating/unnerving thinking of coming out of your own home. Big hugs for you hun – I had my heart in my throat reading when you heard that thud…kids can be so stupid sometimes! 🙁

  2. Rae

    OH my – so this made my blood BOIL!!! We had a similar group where we used to live – although not as big a ‘pack’ (only about 4-5 or so boys). They seriously shit me sideways! However i wasn’t as polite as you, and Road-rager Rae kept her hand on the horn and did my best ‘evil eye’ look, every time they thought it was ‘cool’ to hang out in the middle of the road. Little fuckers.

    Just like you phrased it…”Where are the FUCKING parents???” There’s no way on earth i’d be letting my kids be out at all hours, cruising the streets with their little feral friends. NO WAY! I won’t even bother to go on about all the levels of WRONG that are there.

    And how dare they insult your singing voice. Clearly they have zero idea…

  3. MJ

    Oh no they didn’t! They said your singing is crap? Off with their heads!

    And riding around at 11.30 at night? That is insane. What on earth are their parents thinking?

    You know, every single time I look at photos of Our Nicole on the red carpet, poised and immaculately groomed, I think back to her BMX Bandits days. She was probably my earliest girl crush.

    And on a completely shallow note, thank god she’s stopped bleaching her hair that awful washed out shade…

  4. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Oh, I know, Fran. I rang B on my mobile, shaking and so upset. He said he would wait out the front for me in case the kids were still hanging around.

    I cannot get over how intimidated I am by them!

    And it’s such a shame because our little street really is the ideal area for children to be able to play but they are the rudest kids I have ever come across. And the youngest kids are the worst!

    From several different families – all little jerks. What are the odds?

  5. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    I have used the horn on one occasion – when a kid rode directly across my path. Wound down the window, told him how dangerous it was. More blank stares.

    I thought about ringing the cops the other night – 11.30pm?? That’s not right. I thought 9.30pm was bad. Isn’t this a form of neglect? Imagine those kids at school. Exhausted, no doubt.

    It’s ridiculous how much energy I expend thinking about these kids!

  6. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Oh yes they did! My singing! Lines were crossed, no?

    Sometimes I look at them and think, ‘Angie, you’re insane. These are children. Little kids’ and I realise my anger is somewhat misplaced. These kids are little fuckers, yes, but where are the big fuckers who are supposed to be parenting them?

    Nicole? Can’t talk about her. Her face is so frightening to me. I can’t imagine how she looks in the mirror and thinks that’s okay.

  7. Melissa

    Little sheeites – every neighbourhood should have some. Ours are just slightly older and have their licences. Their looks of dumb insolence as they drag past me in their overly modified cars make me want to slap them. I agree with you that the parents are the ones who need a good spanking.

    Oh I can’t tear my eyes off Nicole with that hairdo. I’ve tried to forget it over the years but it was my little brother’s favourite film and I think the image has been burned into my retinas.

  8. Belle

    Isn’t it amazing babe how unnerving a pack of disrepectful kids can be?!! I had a very similiar incident happen at the Eastland carpark the other day, but these kids were mid-teens, they were lying on the ground in the carpark not letting anyone through, and they thought they were hysterically funny!!! Not even my evil eye (& Paul will attest that I’m bloody good at it!!) would get them to move! Someone called security but I didn’t hang around to see the end result…I too worry about where the fuck parents are in these situations. I’d call the DHS if I were you, they may not be able to do much, but at least you’ve made them aware…

  9. MJ

    Way too much botox. It’s sad. She used to be so stunning, and not in a classical way. That’s what I loved about her – freckles and red hair. Now she is – like you said – frightening.

  10. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Well, now she says she’s stopped the botox but her cheeks and lips are pumped with fillers. And she lies about it. Mia Freedman has been writing about her a bit – that she does a disservice to women everywhere by saying she looks this way because of clean living and sunscreen. Pleeease!

    But yes, I lament the Nicole of yore. She was so lovely.

  11. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    So unnerving! That Eastlands scene would have thrown me.

    I am no model parent. A fly on my wall might contemplate calling DOCS on occasion – I have days I am not proud of. But Jesus H, these kids are little shits for a reason. And the riding around at a time when most kids would have been tucked up in bed for hours is a clear indicator that these kids lack boundaries.


  12. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    The teenagers are completely annoying but you kind of expect it – goes with the territory. But when they are primary school aged and already so devoid of anything resembling courtesy, I just find that depressing. Kids don’t stay sweet for long anymore.

    Nicole’s hair = swoon! Oh but there is so little left of that girl now.

  13. MJ

    Yeah, sunscreen and clean living alone does that for your skin (and plumps up your lips etc)? Puh-lease.

    And even if that was true? Then my skin is well and truly fucked for the future… but at least I had fun with my not so clean living years.

  14. Ladybird

    Before Xmas, late at night there was a group of kids standing at the end of the road leading into our little quiet cul-de sac. By group I mean bunch and by bunch I mean ‘gang’ of little fuckwits. As I came into the road, they would not let the car in front go in (a neighbour) – they thought they were hilarious. Said neighbour just waited it out till eventually they let her through. Not this little black duck. I had my hand on the horn the entire time whilst screaming obscenities out the window at them. As soon as they let her through I sped the ‘ol V8 bogan mobile and went like hell fire through still hand on horn and screaming obscenities.
    Around 10 mins later when I needed to go to Coles – said fuckwits are still there. They see me coming – and think it is time to compare dicks. All the males make a single line across the road, a couple won’t make it to their 13th birthdays without having their cherries popped little skanks were on the side of the road teeheeing and pretending said fuckwit little boys were ‘rad’. I sped up leaving my driveway and never once took my foot off the pedal. And I sped up. I sped up. I clipped one of them on the way through. His pants felt the side of my bumper for sure. Little fucks were scared shitless. When I returned from Coles, they were standing on the other side of the road, and let me through without incident. One of the little skanks was smiling at me as I passed. I am confident she alone may escape being impregnated by their delinquent sperm yet….
    And don’t hate on Nicole players. I am a deep lover of the Wax Queen…..

  15. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Kids, man! I tell ya. Where oh where are the freaking parents???

    Dude, Nicole looks bizarro. She seems like a nice enough person but holy smokes, that face is disturbing!

  16. E

    hahaha if anyone is bad ass it’s you – the one who squishes some poor kids scooter and drives off in a cloud of judgey smoke.
    old timer!


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