Sometimes it feels like I write the same post over and over. It's always some variation on "Motherhood is hard, I think I'm falling apart" or "I had another panic attack, I think I'm falling apart."
I write what I know. I think that's the only way to write. And it just so happens that being a mum and being mental feature prominently in my life right now. They are permanent themes and so it makes sense that they set the tone on this blog – whether I like that or not.
But the repetitious nature of my words always tends to leave me half waiting for someone to call me out on it, for being stuck in the same spot and never really moving past it.
And I'd like to protest my innocence but then how would I explain this and this? Also this, this and this one here. Not gonna lie – I could have linked most of my blog posts here….
Guilty as charged.
But the accusations never come. On the one hand, it's because I am the tiniest fish in this blogging pond and not nearly important enough to attract the trolls and professional naysayers.
But on the other hand, there seems to be something about my personal truth that resonates with others. I don't know why it surprises me as much as it does but probably because I am always nervous that the next bare-all post will be the one that finally exposes me as the terrible failure of a human being that I obviously am. At some point, the nodding in agreement will stop. I will have revealed too much.
So it's a little bit frightening to write the way I do. Last week after I posted this, I had two people come and hug me in the school yard – people I did not realise even read the blog. These are not strangers in cyberland but people I interact with in everyday life and it does give me a moment's pause wondering how wise it is to expose myself the way I do. I am very mindful of what I choose to share about the kids, but I don't apply that same filter to what I share about me. Could that indirectly hurt my kids anyway?
But I resolve to stand behind the power of truth. If you could know what it feels like to reveal a piece of your soul and then be showered with the kindness and support that I have been showered with, you would understand that it is worth the risk. Those school yard hugs were so unexpected and so amazing. We need each other and yet somehow we have created a world where we never really let others in. Revealing my human weaknesses can be scary but truth is not the repellent we assume it will be. In fact, it draws us closer. Or it draws the right people closer. If our truth does turn some people away, then that is probably for the best anyway. It's a pretty effective way to weed out the people who don't truly see us. That's okay. We're all different, but life is short so I'd rather surround myself with people who operate on the same frequency as me. Being misunderstood is a miserable way to live.
And that is why I keep blogging. I may be nobody, but I am somebody to you. You understand me. And on some level, this makes me fear for you – because I am certifiably nuts, my friends! But mostly, it makes my heart full because while I would not wish these struggles on anyone else, discovering we all experience something similar is a powerful tool for building community. I am not alone and you are not alone. I may never meet you in person, but when you speak to me through my Facebook page or here on the blog, I hear you. I SEE YOU. You are beautiful and human and we are not so different, you and I.
So if I haven't said it lately, thank you.