If I’d been smart, he would have stayed a one night stand.
If I’d been smarter, a no night stand.
But he was dark and dangerous and I was just eighteen years old. I was seduced by the shadowy glimpses he gave me of a broken childhood. I thought I could be the one to make him whole again.
I ignored the evidence that suggested that this was a bad, bad idea.
I knew he had hit his previous girlfriend.
I ignored the evidence.
It was six poisoned months. We drank. We got stoned. We collected unemployment benefits, bought cigarettes and potato cakes from the corner store.
We were inseparable, gradually becoming more and more isolated from our friends. We argued constantly. We fucked the rest of the time.
We spent New Year’s Eve down the coast. I ran into a dear friend I hadn’t seen for a year. We hugged and squealed and danced drunkenly in a circle. He sat on a park bench and each time I passed by, I heard it. “Slut.” Almost whispering it but loud enough for me to hear. Only me.
When I told my friend, she thought I must have misheard. Because who would say something like that to their girlfriend?
So I ignored him.
I ignored the evidence.
In the early hours of the new year, amphetamines magnifying his intensity, he tried to bully me into having sex.
I ignored the evidence.
No less than three people warned me he had cheated.
I ignored the evidence.
Lying in bed one night, he punched his fist hard into the pillow beside my head, missing me by millimetres.
I ignored the evidence.
And then, just as abruptly as it had begun, it was over.
I had told myself he would never hurt me. It was clear to me what he was capable of but I believed, perhaps foolishly, that he would never hurt me. And, at least physically, he never did. I made him angry. I pushed him just to see what would happen. But in the end, it was a game I simply walked away from.
But coupled with relief that I had escaped is the nagging guilt that I hadn't warned the next girl.
I know she was not so lucky.
November 25 was White Ribbon Day. White Ribbon is the world's largest male-led movement to end men's violence against women. White Ribbon Day also signals the start of the 16 Days of Activism to Stop Violence against Women, which ends on Human Rights Day (10 December).
White Ribbon can offer support to those experiencing domestic violence. More information here.
You are lucky, yes. I’m glad you got away from that one.
Oh, darlin. So hard to look back at these things, but you do it with such wisdom. And you help so many more by sharing your story now.
It’s truly frightening how common this is. I was caught in a similar web in my early 20s. It’s weird how long I stayed… X
Very glad you left that behind, beautiful Mumma. I was also in a pretty negative relationship about 10 years ago. A shove, some ridicule, the clincher was a hole punched in the cupboard door near where I was standing. I still didn’t leave immediately… We were living together and I get stuck. Obviously I did leave and I’m grateful I listened to myself and family and friends who wanted me OUT!
Me, too. I think it was just a matter of time. Looking back, there was a progression in the behaviour that frightens me. xx
Thank you, honey.
I don’t know. I kind of felt like I didn’t have a right to share my story being that I got out of there relatively unscathed – I would hate to compare myself to the women who have truly been victims. But maybe those warning signs will be familiar to someone else.
xxx
So weird. We’re smart, intuitive women. But these men are cleverly seductive and so very manipulative.
So glad we got out.
xx
So bizarre what we will endure. And you can understand how the longer it goes on, even if it progresses into something more physical, that you feel you can’t leave. The thing people forget is that these men are never constant tyrants. They are almost always very charming.
Scary.
xxx