Are you who you want to be? 

I am. Mostly.

I have worked hard to iron out my kinks. Well, maybe kinks is not the right word on account of it sounds like I enjoy being hung from my nipples while dolphins flagellate me with their tail fins. 

Or something.

But I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about who I am and more importantly, who I want to be.

There was a time I did not like who I was. There were a whole host of reasons for that and I spent some quality time sifting through them with a counsellor and we both came to the conclusion that I was actually pretty ace. And those things that weren't so ace I have been working hard on improving.

Probably my very worst trait is my critical nature. I am a very, very harsh judge of, primarily, me. I have worked hard on the inside and am generally happy with who I am as a person but get me in front of a mirror and I will tear myself to shreds. I'm not sure how to go about quitting that but thankfully, it tends to go in waves and sometimes I can convince myself that I am totally cute. I'm not on that particular wave currently but it's okay. I know it's coming around again.

So yeah, I am terribly critical of me – mostly on a superficial level. I berate myself over what things look like – my body, my face, my home, the car. I aspire to be the world's most pristinely presented person on the face of the earth. With every new addition to the family, I get further and further away from that shiny ideal. Because my children have no respect for my aspirations.

But while I hold myself to these exacting and impossible standards, I rarely demand them in others. For instance, if you were to come and visit my home, in the hours before your arrival, I would clean areas of the home that I would not DREAM of inspecting if I were to visit your house. Because what kind of jerk inspects the skirting boards in their friend's laundry for dust? Who would do that?

But then, you notice I said above I rarely demand these exacting standards in others. Which means I must demand them sometimes with some people.

And here is where my confession begins.

Let's go back to the start of this piece when I asked you if you were who you wanted to be and I said I was, mostly. I am an imperfect person and not every thought that enters my head is charitable but for the most part, I will accept you as you are and never scrutinise your face/clothes/home the way I do mine.

Except if you are one of two people – my lovely Bren and my lovely mum.

In my life, I have been blessed to know some truly exceptional human beings. Wherever I have gone, I have forged relationships that have marked me profoundly. So many connections over the course of my lifetime, an embarrassment of riches. 

But lovely Bren and lovely Mum? 

Hands down most important and most profoundly life-altering. I am who I am because of them. The things I like most about myself I believe each of them has been instrumental in cultivating within me. 

So then why, OH WHY, would I subject them to the bullshit arbiter that is my inner voice? I can only think it's because I align who I am so strongly with who they are. So connected am I to them that where I end and they begin is all muddled up in my head.

But this is not an excuse. Just a very on the fly attempt at understanding the complexities of our relationship and my subsequent behaviour within it.

I was mean to my mum recently. And I did it in front of others which compounded the meanness. Her transgression, while still irksome to me, did not warrant my unkindness.

I have worked hard to become the best person I can be. Kindness, empathy, compassion, patience. These are the traits I want most to build on. And yet, being around my mum can reduce me to the teenaged brat I once was, scathing of, and eternally embarrassed by, the woman who has so lovingly raised me.

I don't have a specific story about Bren but he lives with me so you can imagine how it can suck to be him… 

On so many levels, both Bren and my mother drive me INSANE. They both have a way of defying reason and logic that leaves me infuriated. They will often do and say things in a way that I never would. I am starkly different to each of them.

But in this life, I have come to understand that the things that connect us are what's important. And I know they each make concessions for me and my annoying behaviour. When you love a person, that is what you do. You celebrate the things you love about them and let slide the things you don't. You forgive their faults and you hope against hope that they can forgive yours.

Actually, that's another thing I really like about myself. I am pretty great at apologising.

So I am sorry. You are everything to me. Both of you.