Dear Neighbours: An Open Letter To The Bogans Next Door

by | Nov 18, 2012 | Little Funny, Little Lowbrow, Little Nothings | 9 comments

 

Hi-diddly ho Neighborinos!

I just wanted to drop you a quick line to formally welcome you to the neighbourhood although you have been here for some months now. Forgive me for not popping over with a casserole but I've been a little preoccupied with my new baby.

Fun little fact about my new baby – her bedroom window faces your backyard. You know that place you spend a lot of time in with your friends? In the middle of the night? Even in winter? On Tuesdays?

Another bedroom window that faces your backyard is….. mine! I must say, some of you should consider going into radio because of those lovely, resonant voices you have. Although you might want to beef up your vocab to include phrases other than "It was fuckin' sick!" and "Fuck off, ya c!nt!" 

Oh, but I sound like an old lady, don't I? Haha! I assure you, though my partner and I probably have close to 20 years on you, we still believe in having a good time. We were once like you. Sort of.

It's not the sighting of a bong on your outdoor table. Both Brendon and I have smoked more than one of those over the course of our lifetimes.

And it's not the blue language that floats across the fence we share because it occurs to me that similar language might float back the other way, too. People in glass fucking houses, hey?

It's not you starting your motorbike up in the hours before dawn and trying to ride it up your shed wall to hysterical laughter and cheering (I suspect that is not what you were doing at all but it was what my brain pieced together when that roar startled me awake at 3 in the morning). I grew up in the country. Lots of bikes. Lots of bogans. Fun fact #2: I lost my virginity to a bike bogan. Sadly, it didn't work out.

And remember that time (last weekend) when one of you had a fight with your girlfriend in the back yard and she was all like, "You don't fuckin' respect me!"? I thought it was beautiful when you replied that you did respect her. Your exact words, "I respect the fuck out of you!" just touched me. At 4:30am in the morning. And I was totally with you when you pointed out how you let her borrow your car which she then "scratched the fuck out of" and yet, did you say anything? I mean, I don't know for sure but I'm assuming the answer was no, you didn't say anything. Sometimes it's hard to hear the entire conversation.  

Bren told me he heard one of your girls having this phone conversation last Friday night,

"Um, yeah, hi. You arrested my boyfriend tonight and I just wanted to get some information."

But you know what? I once dated a guy whose housemate grew hydroponic plants in his shed and I was there when the place got raided by the cops. That is quite a way to wake up, let me tell you! Especially when you are nude. Obviously, I am pretty hardcore so I wasn't about to be shocked by a little arrest.  

So I think you can see that although we are on the wrong side of 35 and have kids, we are pretty easy-going people. We feel your youthful passion for life, man, and we salute it. 

But recently, I'm sorry to have to inform you, you crossed a line.

Loud music, in general, is fine. But I object and object strongly to being woken by Haddaway'sWhat Is Love? blaring from your stereo. How dare you play that diabolical early nineties music? Were you even born in 1993? Do you have any idea what it was like to live through that shit the first time?

We have children, you sick bastards! 

I want to be the bigger person here. I want to believe this was a momentary lapse in judgement for you guys. And I am all about second chances. So let's try to put this behind us.

But let me be clear. If I ever, ever hear you playing Rhythm Is A Dancer or Sweat (A La La La La Long), I can not be held responsible for what I might do.

With sincerest neighbourly affection,

The Little Mumma and co

 

Meme[source]

 

For those playing at home, yes, this is not the first letter I have ever written to a neighbour!

 

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Hello friends

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I’m Angie!  I mum. I write. I wife. My husband would say this is the correct order.  He’s so neeeedy. I live with my family in Melbourne, Australia, where I complain about the weather for 90% of the year – but I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Except maybe in Lake Como, waving to my neighbours George and Amal each morning.

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9 Comments

  1. Rebecca Farr

    Hilarious! Love it!

    Reply
  2. Kylie

    Sounds like our neighbours are related to yours! :/

    Reply
  3. E

    Bahaha! After having Lucy we finally met the nice little old lady over the back fence – she marvelled at how much work we had done to the garden in the. 5 years we had been there because the previous tenants had loud outside parties all the time….. We had been here for 10 years….. She was talking about us pre kids…… I just ‘tsk tsked’ and shook my head along with her

    Reply
  4. Hannah

    Hilarious!
    10 year old wants to know why I’m laughing.. he heh he
    “nothing darling”
    he he
    oxox

    Reply
  5. Mumabulous

    To an involved outside observer, this situation is hilarious. You also brought back memories of some very dodgy 90s moments that I had pushed back to the deep recesses of my mind.
    I respect the F#@k out of you Little Mumma.

    Reply
  6. Gemma

    Bahahahahahahahahaha!! 90s parties are a thing and summer is only going to make it worse, my ears are bleeding for you!

    Reply
  7. Amanda @ mammajoy

    Hahaha! Go Angie!! Those songs should never, NEVER fall upon human ears again. But I’m dying to know, are their shenanigans waking up Harlow?? ‘Cause that would be the line for me. Wake my baby? You Die. Let’s just hope her first words don’t start with F or C!!!?

    Reply
  8. Ladybird

    Oh Angel, my dear sweet Angiecakes. This may be the end of our red hot scorching (in my mind) affair.

    Hating on the ‘What is Love’? No, No. That is my go to ‘just in my undies hairbrush in the mirror song’. At 33.

    😛

    x

    Reply
  9. Jess

    This reminds me of our old neighbours! In the end we dobbed them in to one of the guys’ dads because he was the landlord. Fun fact my Mum chose to do this while the Dad was wanking in his ute out the front of his house (she didn’t realise until it was too late!). I think the shame helped our case though haha because they were kicked out pretty quickly!

    Reply

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