Through a glass smudgily…
Last Friday, I needed to get Harlow to her ultrasound appointment by 12.20pm. For reasons that only a parent can truly understand, I was still in my dressing gown at 11.30am. The house was a fucking mess and Bren would be home soon to watch the boys while I took Harlow to her appointment. Not because he demands it but because I desperately wish to convey my togetherness by having the house spotless when Bren comes home, it dismayed me to discover that Luca and Ziggy were busy transferring every toy they owned from the play room to their bedroom.
What the fuck is the point of having a damn play room? A room dedicated just to their play?
I tell you, the under 6 crowd, they just don't get it.
I said to hell with it all and hopped in the shower.
Harlow began crying at about the exact moment the shampoo hit my hair and she didn't stop until her face was tear-streaked and blotchy and my blood pressure was rocketing.
Then Bren walked in.
I wonder why I bother cultivating the myth of the perfect housewife. He knows I am no such thing. He loves me anyway.
He immediately scooped the now silent baby from my arms so that I could brush my teeth and look at my reflection in despair.
I put on mascara and blush and felt a titch better. Just a titch. Sometimes a titch will get you over the line. Sometimes a titch is everything.
I arrived at the appointment with two minutes to spare but then turned the car back around because I had forgotten my referral from the doctor.
I arrived six minutes late.
Everything turned out to be fine with Harlow's hips.
I cried anyway.
I know I have been singing the praises of my life of late. I have mostly glowing words to say about my new daughter. And it's all true. I am happy and grateful – that is the summary of my life currently. When I lay my head down at night or when I am reflecting in the Little Weeks posts, the overwhelming emotion is joy and gratitude.
Naturally, the day to day reality is less glowing. The day to day is a series of things I have to do for other people, a never-ending list of responsibilities and only a liar would say that this doesn't weigh heavily on them at times.
A friend went away recently for a writer's conference and the Facebook photos of her hotel room where she was ALL ALONE left me aching with jealousy.
It's quite possible to have everything you ever dreamed of and still want more.
Nothing ostentatious though. Just a day or so alone without the burden of 'to-do' would be really, really nice.
oh totally get the toy room thing…we have one and OMFG miss 5 rarely plays in there insisting to cover the house in a layer of toys.
Glad Harlow’s hips are fine 🙂
Reminds me of when I was younger all I wanted was to be older, “grown up” and now it would be nice to go back for one day of no responsibilites, have everything done for you. I havent since my daughter was born had a night away from her, and the thought of it sounds amazing, but I dont think I could leave her (single parent guilt gets me every time).
I get it. I so so get it. My baby girl will be 3 months on Tuesday and while I love love my family of 4 it can get tiresome. I feel like I’m forever doing for everyone else….. and while I wouldnt change it for the world. sometimes a me day…. an hour would be nice…
I’m relieved for you that Missy is okay. Can’t help wondering if some anxiety over the hip issue was also a factor in your feelings leading up to the appointment. It is quite understandable to be less tolerant than usual of domestic chaos when you have some underlying stress going on.
That said, I totally get the urge for a little bit of me time. I’ve seen photos like the one your friend posted too. I’ve been jealous. Just a titch. But as you say, sometimes a titch is everything.
Well, yeah, I was in no mood for…really anything until I knew she was okay. You’re right.
They won’t be little forever, Mel. And then, I will go. Somewhere. Without them.
Yes, one whole hour that isn’t infiltrated even by thoughts of what I SHOULD be doing.
Oh Dani, the single parent gig must surely be the hardest one there is. How desperately you must need some time out.
It’s hard…
xx
Arg – I’m playing catch-up on the blog Angiecakes, reading alot of entries but of course I HAD to reply here.
Took me 7 years to get that alone time. 7 years of steeling myself to making it till Daddy came home, and then feeling the shit sink out from under me if the goalpost changed and suddenly his arrival was later.
I seem to fill my tank up each day – with just the amount required to get me till when reinforcements arrive. If halfway thorugh the tour that reinforcement dares tell me he has important things to do like work (how selfish) and he will be late – then my artillery screams because it has no extra ammunition. I woke up expecting only to suck it up util a certain time.
Of course I over exagerate – but the truth of multiple children is that life is chaos. Is a fucking awesome to the power of rad chaos (copyright Angel there) but it is – it is chaos. I love it, would not go back to less children/no children/living with cats and an old shopping trolly – but you really do feel like you are a maid/whore/social planner – for everyone else but yourself.
I came back from that weekend – INSPIRED, so focused, determined, and oh, so renewed.
It lasted about 5 minutes.
The next day – I was crying. Because the reality of my life is – that I can’t be that woman yet. The most beautful little life I am living right now with the family I am blessed by – prevent that. But she is coming, I’m doing things to bring a bit of the ‘ol creativity back, and I just have to be patient. I came back wanting to take on the world – I could I could – if I had the time. I don’t. So I’m making what time I do have – work for me.
I’m right here with you babe, in the thick of hanging on by your balls, surrounded by domesticity. xxx
and – Harlows hips? Bloody brilliant. xx
That’s just it, isn’t it? Our mind is flying ahead to the fabulous things we could do, the creativity that makes our fingertips itch – but this is not conducive with family life with small children.
It’s hard to balance because on the one hand, I want to get cracking with these pursuits because I know they will benefit our family as a whole. But then again, this sweet time with little people is fleeting and before I know it, I’ll be up to my neck in ‘time to write’ and probably miss my fecking children.
Arrrghhhhhh!
If only we did not need sleep.
Let’s keep inspiring one another, Ladybird. Because, fo’ shiz, reading about your passion stokes the fires for me, too.
Love.
xxx