Who The Hell Am I?

by | Jun 9, 2012 | Little Angie | 30 comments

Who Am I

Today I read a post over at Edenland. As is often the case over there, I laughed and I was moved and my thoughts were provoked. Such is the magic of Eden Riley.

She wrote about who she is. Like, really, who. Which is actually incredibly hard to do.

She threw the floor open to others to join her.

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade 

So here I am. Because I love a challenge. Especially one that demands honesty.

And this is where the challenge becomes hard because what we think is honesty and what genuinely is can be disturbingly different. And then there is the not so small matter of perspective. For instance, I want Ryan Gosling to live inside my vagina but others wouldn't let him buff the callouses off their feet (who are these crazies?).

Eden mentions in her post that words are so powerful. Yes, they certainly are. But they can also be sneaky and manipulative. And they can plain lie. Especially when the author wants to protect themselves. 

So writing this post is a strange task what with the human propensity for self-preservation. 

If asked to tell a little something about myself, my immediate thoughts generally run like this: a small, loud, sweary, quirky, blonde mum and partner. Further back in my mind, a voice says impatient, critical, lazy.

All these things are true. But they feel sort of empty, shallow. And of all the things I am, empty and shallow I am not.

At least, I don't think so. Ughhh, this is hard

Who we are lies in what we do, not what we say. So maybe I can show you me through things I have done?

I spent the better part of three years with a man who never told me he loved me. Because he didn't.

After our engagement party, Bren wanted to eat the cake topper, an enormous slab of chocolate with "Congratulations Angie and Bren!" written on it. I insisted we put it in the freezer to keep. One year later, as I threw it in the bin, Bren protested that he would have eaten it. I told him not to be ridiculous, it would taste like freezer now.

I wrote a letter to my birth mother telling her that I thought the decision to give me up was the bravest and most noble thing she could ever do and thanking her for doing it. I never heard back from her. 

I missed a flight due to anxiety, required Valium the last time we moved house and can not see a future without anti-depressants. For now.

I once found it incredibly difficult to write a post about who I am because my brain kept telling me to bake a chocolate cake and eat it with double cream.

Okay, that happened today. Like, right now. 

So let's talk more in the now. Things I do;

– when the house gets really dirty, I online shop instead.

– landfill worries me and thus, I have terrible trouble throwing things away.

– I love my children but I don't really enjoy 'playing' with them.

– I care too much what people think of me but not as in 'Do they think I'm a good person?' because I believe I am and have worked hard to become so over the years. It's more an exterior I want to portray of a woman who is attractive and has a clean house. It's kind of like how I write soul-baring posts here but Photoshop the pictures. I'm bothered by the superficial nature of these concerns and yet, they still plague me.

– I pride myself on my handwritten letters and cards. 

– I love and cherish my friends way more than my ability to reply to their texts would indicate.

– I spend most days stuck in the contradictory worlds of gratitude and want. It's confusing.

But if I had to be succinct, I would use my mother's observation of me made many years ago. She said, "You're a mix of ego and low self-esteem."

And she nailed it. Me.

I want the world, feel I deserve it but understand that I'm almost certainly not good enough.

I also like cheese. Which means Eden and I are practically soul sisters.

I'm here. And I'm not half bad.

 

Me

Hello friends

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I’m Angie!  I mum. I write. I wife. My husband would say this is the correct order.  He’s so neeeedy. I live with my family in Melbourne, Australia, where I complain about the weather for 90% of the year – but I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Except maybe in Lake Como, waving to my neighbours George and Amal each morning.

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30 Comments

  1. Jodie

    WOw what a great post, thankyou, i think i will go and see if i can come up with a bit about who i am, Being trutheful is hard

    Reply
  2. Anna Spargo-Ryan

    This is such a great post Angie. I sympathise with so much of what you say. If only we could take our brains out and give them a good shake, am I right?

    Reply
  3. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    It’s so hard, Jodie! Incredibly so. But a worthwhile exercise, for sure.

    Thank you for reading. xx

    Reply
  4. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Shake, yes. A quick spin in the washing machine occasionally. A swift kick with a Size 12 Doc Marten.

    Something.

    Thanks. xx

    Reply
  5. Varda

    You are so much more than “not half bad” my friend. Great post. Love the honesty. And now I know you a little better.

    Reply
  6. Julie Firkin

    I love these beautifully honest posts from you.

    Reply
  7. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    And I, weirdly, love writing them. Nothing like a bit of mental stretching.

    But mostly I love feedback like yours which makes my heart soar like you would not believe.

    xx

    Reply
  8. Zanni Arnot

    Wonderful Angie! So revealing. I too love cheese and don’t so much love playing with children, as much as I love them.
    You do honesty with such humour. Love it.

    Reply
  9. Galit Breen

    This post? Is stunning.

    You? Are stunning.

    (You blew me away here, girl. Not half bad, indeed.)

    xo

    Reply
  10. MJ

    I admire soul-baring posts. You do this so beautifully.

    It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately with my own posts… but it’s not my schtick. I have too many walls up that need a fair bit of bashing down.

    xxx

    Reply
  11. MJ

    Also another Eden fan here – she has such a gift with words.

    Reply
  12. katesaysstuff

    Ha, I’ve written a few of these in my own post too, but less eloquently.

    I left out lazy in mine. I am intrinsically lazy, but I never sit down.

    I think you are a talented writer, among all your other things.

    xox

    Reply
  13. Mrs Woog

    Bloody awesome post. Your skin and eyes are sparkly. I like sparkly, even more than I like cheese xx

    Reply
  14. Glowless

    Wow. Just wow. “You’re a mix of ego and low self-esteem.” I’ve had almost the exact thing said about me… a friend said they balance each other out in me to create the illusion that I’m quite normal at first glance (she meant it in a good way, even though it doesn’t sound like it!).
    I loved reading this. My favourite of all the posts linked up.

    Reply
  15. Naomi

    I love your mums comment, a mix of ego and low self esteem. Add the aversion to seafood and our mutual swearing and we seem to be almost the same person!

    Reply
  16. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Thank you, Miss Zanni. So lovely of you to say.

    In fact, I like to eat cheese while my children play. Perfect. Wheel of brie, ahoy!

    Reply
  17. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Thank you, sweet friend.

    You’ve written one or two though and I have LOVED them. How did it make you feel – writing and then publishing them? Good? Scary? But in a good way? Scary good?

    Not a bad way to start bashing those walls, huh?

    xx

    Reply
  18. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    We did share a few! I love that.

    Thank you. I think we share the knack for writing also. I think your post was written exactly as it should be – and you’re not short on eloquence yourself, lovely girl.

    xxx

    Reply
  19. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    I’m telling you, it’s all in the illuminator. Fucking magical stuff and a cosmetic company needs to get on board with me because I can sell this shit to the mommies.

    Also, thank you. xx

    Also, sparkly cheese – just putting it out there. It could work……

    Reply
  20. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Ha! Yes, the ego hides the soul-destroying self-loathing and the low self-esteem tones down the world-dominating ballbreaker.

    Or something….

    But seriously, THANK YOU. Words ARE powerful and yours have knocked my socks off.

    xxx

    Reply
  21. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Yeah, my mum knows me. That she does.

    And these similarities are a bit of a trip. Perhaps a blogger thing? Or maybe, and I like this thought, a human thing.

    Thank you. xxx

    Reply
  22. Deb @ Bright and Precious

    I could really relate to this line: “I want the world, feel I deserve it but understand that I’m almost certainly not good enough”. Enjoyed reading this.

    Reply
  23. Carli

    Loved this Angie, so honest but I’m still wondering how Gosling can live in both our vaginas at once? 😉

    Reply
  24. Tina

    I was right about the mix of ego and low self esteem. What I didn’t foresee was the wonderful loving mother you are: patient,gentle,adoring {and rightly so} would walk to the moon and back for your little ones,totally engrossed in your little people and proud and loving of your wonderful Bren. Just think, if …..had loved you we wouldn’t have Bren, Luca, Zig and Harlow to love and cherish. I am so proud of you and believe you are the best mother I know and a wonderful creative writer! So there xxxx

    Reply
  25. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Wow. You really went there. About MY Ryan. I thought you were cool, man.

    Also? Thank you. xxx

    Reply
  26. Zanni Arnot

    Yum. I will try that next playtime. Semi-soft goat’s cheese if you please.

    Reply

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