"Female Abstraction" ('41) by Man Ray
[Source]

Dear Vagina,

 

Hello, old friend. Just dropping you a line to say I hope you're doing okay. I feel like I haven't seen you for, like, 9 months! Bren says he feels exactly the same.

V, we have enjoyed a good relationship over the years, haven't we? You've given me no real trouble, always doing what's expected of you. No real surprises or unnecessary drama. If I haven't told you before, I really appreciate that about you.

In turn, I have been selective about who to introduce you to and I think we can both say that has served us well.

You have always been a neat little package, keeping yourself tidy, even down to the fact that you seem to respect the laws of the bikini line and never seem to stray outside those lines follicle-ly. That's been great and I can't tell you the money it's saved me.

But Vagina, we have a job ahead of us. I'm not going to lie to you, there's a fairly massive design flaw in the task I'm going to ask you to accomplish. There are, you know, size discrepancies. 

Let's not forget that two years back we went through this and you were a-okay. Sure, it was no picnic and I think we both freaked out when we 'felt the burn' – we had been told, we had imagined but holy fuck balls, that was way harsh, wasn't it? But we got through it, Vagina. You and me, together. There may have been a small repair required but what's a stitch or two between friends?

The point is, we're veterans now. We know shit's going to get crazy up in here but we also know that we can survive it.

So I just want you to think about limbering up a bit, okay? You know, just relaxing and letting a human head just shoot right out like it ain't no thang. Apparently, the fact that we've done this before makes it easier so let's just assume that's true and embrace the journey as openly as we can – you know, think open like Grand Canyon open, like so open we could drive a semi through you open.

I had another letter to write to Perineum but I'm kind of tired – would you mind terribly just letting P know I said hi and that I'm sorry I didn't get around to the whole massage thing? And that I totally believe in her? And that this time I won't let anyone near her with a scalpel unless she's been suitably anaesthetised? Thanks heaps, V.

We'll be in touch soon (Bren says he certainly hopes so – what a kidder!).

Lots of love,

Angie

Hello friends

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I’m Angie!  I mum. I write. I wife. My husband would say this is the correct order.  He’s so neeeedy. I live with my family in Melbourne, Australia, where I complain about the weather for 90% of the year – but I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Except maybe in Lake Como, waving to my neighbours George and Amal each morning.

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11 Comments

  1. claireyhewitt

    Good luck. Vaginas are very forgiving types, and also fast learners, second time round is a piece of cake.

    Reply
  2. Belle

    Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  3. MJ

    Dear Angie’s Vag,

    You can do it again – because I say so. I know a thing or two about this stuff, okay?

    Thanks, xxx

    Reply
  4. E

    Hilair. Not sure I need the visuals though.

    Reply
  5. stefanie

    I love this. So funny! Thanks for writing with such wit!

    Reply
  6. Alison@Mama Wants This

    Hahahahaha!

    Funny, and oh so damn true. I’m 36.5 weeks now and I’m gonna read this out loud to my vagina. Good luck Angie!

    Reply
  7. Neen

    hehehe love this! very witty!
    best of luck with the birth hope V & P live up to their fair share of the work! hehe

    Reply
  8. Karen T

    Hahaha!! Oh yes, holy fuckballs. The burn. It’s beyond a burn actually… it’s well… it was the bit I really didn’t like. It made me say sweary sailory type things too!

    And I was SOOOOO going to do that perineal massage. I tried a few times. Kind of tricky and I felt a little like I was pretending to be a six pack or a bowling ball….

    Mwah to you and your V… well, not quite on your V, but you know what I mean!

    Reply

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