Little Mumma Tales: Gilty Showers and Couch Love

by | Sep 13, 2011 | Little Tales | 11 comments

This is the worst dating story I ever heard. Which also makes it the best.

My friend picked up a high-flying foreigner and went back to his hotel for a one night stand. He was very sexy and charming. So far, so good.

Some time during their hay roll, he headed south and asked "give me a little bit of pee."

She wasn't sure she'd heard right. And if she had, she didn't want to deal with that either so she ignored him and hoped for the best.

Again, "give me a little bit of pee."

Okay. He definitely said what she thought he said. And now he'd said it twice.

What to do? What to do?

"My bladder is empty," she blurted.

And that's right about when the passion died. Because one can't drop the 'b' word during sex and hope to follow up with an orgasm. 

There are so many reasons why this request was disconcerting. For one, is it appropriate to bust out your kinks with a one night stand? Isn't that something you reserve for that special someone who's gotten to know you well enough that they won't run screaming when you reveal your penchant for making love during Jerry Springer reruns?

And also, what constitutes 'a little bit' when referring to pee? What if your idea and theirs is way off? Awkward.

And what about if, in attempting to give the pee, you inadvertently 'break the seal' (a very real hazard when you've been out drinking) and suddenly, this poor, kinky man is gulping desperately, gallantly trying to catch the pressure washer stream you're firing at him?

Dating. I knew it was 'hard out there' but what the fuck?

When my friend told me this story, I did not have children. But I was deeply ensconced in monogamy and possibly upwardly knocked at the time.

If I had been feeling jealous of my suddenly single friend, her designer clothes and the fine dining fabulousness of her life, the pee story changed my mind. Suddenly, a Saturday night on the couch next to B, half buried by pizza boxes and DVDs, sounded like pure heaven.

People are out there right now, flirting and wearing fabulous shoes.

But my beloved's biggest kink is demanding I stay awake during relations. Life is good, no?    

Hello friends

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I’m Angie!  I mum. I write. I wife. My husband would say this is the correct order.  He’s so neeeedy. I live with my family in Melbourne, Australia, where I complain about the weather for 90% of the year – but I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Except maybe in Lake Como, waving to my neighbours George and Amal each morning.

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11 Comments

  1. Galit Breen

    Oy. Yes, life is indeed good.

    Also: Yay! I miss you and am so very happy to “see” you!!

    Reply
  2. Ladybird

    You’re a good woman staying awake Angel :P. I can usually be found flat on back, probably asleep during sex, but definately thinking of fabulous shoes.

    Or, that if I make a noise here and there and pat him on the rump intermittingly, just how many fabulous shoes I can get out of the whole ordeal…..

    Reply
  3. MJ

    Oh… people wake up for sex, do they?

    Learn something new every day…

    Reply
  4. Melissa

    Jesus, that’s just wrong. He shouldn’t have asked her. But it was funny reading about it, I must say.

    Welcome back my small but powerful overlord …

    Reply
  5. Angie @ The Little Mumma

    Shoes ARE fabulous, aren’t they?

    A little rump pat goes a long way, Ladybird. Oh yes, it does. xxx

    Reply
  6. MJ

    Trying to picture it said with an Irish lilt… nope… still wrong….

    Reply
  7. Victoria KP

    Yikes! Yes, a Friday night of pizza and DVDs is definitely better than that.

    Reply
  8. Ruthy

    PEE???!!?? Whats with that!!! I think I would have suddenly remembered a load of washing or something like that and got the HELL outta there!!! I’m with you Ange…simple men, simple pleasures and pee where it belongs!

    Reply

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