Little LD has been dealing with lots of change lately.
In the last week, I made the decision to begin him in a 3-year-old kindergarten program. Previously, he'd been in daycare and since he has been settled and happy there, I figured he could stay there until it was time to start 4-year-old kindergarten next year.
A recent room change at daycare had been a rocky road for LD and after six weeks, it seemed like he was never going to settle into the new room.
I suspected one of the biggest issues was that he was in a room where the alpha boys were all a year older and disinclined to play with a baby - and of course, LD only wanted to hang with the alpha boys and resented being called a baby.
My little fella was not himself and little me was worrying myself sick. And when it comes to LD, worrying about him adjusting and settling has never really been necessary. I escaped his babyhood with seriously zero separation anxiety issues. He is the kid you drop off and receive barely a backwards glance of farewell.
So after much agonising, I enrolled him in kinder for the term. And prayed he would manage to settle in there. Daycare was to be phased out over two weeks.
Yesterday I picked LD up from daycare and witnessed, firsthand, what I now believe to be the major instigator of the angst. Physically the largest in the room and a good-looking kid who is probably the number one alpha, this boy ain't got no love for my boy. I think possibly this is because LD stands up to him. Which is hilarious because this kid towers over mine.
I noted that there was some physical tussling but more than that, it was insidious little things like refusing to play hide and seek when it was LD's turn and when all the kids are asked to chant "Goodbye LD" turning his name into a silly, made-up word instead. Petty shit? Yeah. But did my kid notice that petty shit? Ummm, hell yeah, he did!
So, he only has one more week at daycare (a place I have truly loved for the almost two years LD has been there) and I was all set to write a carthartic post about the 'bad seed' and how I hope he gets nits. You know, hilarious stuff.
But it turns out John Lennon totally knew about karma.
Picking up LD from this morning's session at kinder, the teacher pulled me aside "for a quick chat" – fuck.
Today, she told me, she caught LD hitting people. Three times. Once so hard it required a cold facewasher on the poor little girl's nose.
I thought I was going to be physically ill.
Now I can reason that LD is still very unsettled, still finding his way at this new place. I could also argue that he may have been acting out some of the frustrations he has been feeling at daycare lately.
But none of that helps.
I still feel sick.
And sad. My poor little guy. That poor little girl.
I wish I knew which little girl it was. I want to write her mum a letter promising that I am not a bad person, that my kid is not the bad seed.
Oh god, we're going to be the gossip of the kinder – "Have you seen that new kid in 3-year-olds? Oh my god, what a violent little boy! What's wrong with that mother? I hope he gets nits"
So yeah, feeling pretty disillusioned about my parenting skills right about now.