Yesterday sucked.
At one point, I sank to my knees on the floorboards below me. Defeated.
LD came and sat beside me.
"I'm sorry I was mad at you before, Mumma," he said, patting my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, too, sweetheart," I replied, "I'm just sad today."
"I can put you to sleep if you like it," he said, cupping my face with his little hands. "You want to have a sleep in my bed, Mumma? Yeah?"
How I stopped myself from bawling then and there, I will never know.
Today, my beautiful LD, my eldest son, moved rooms at daycare. In doing so, he left behind his one close friend and entered a room full of older kids.
The teacher told me he had a rough start. Lots of good moments but also moments of stubbornness and refusing to listen.
Well, yeah. He's in a new environment, away from his friends and unfamiliar with the expectations in this room of older children used to a more structured program.
And also, he's a stubborn little shit that doesn't listen.
I don't know. I'm not in the greatest headspace for this at the moment but it just made me feel sad.
I told him I was proud of him. That it couldn't have been easy to be in the new room and away from his little friend. I told him it was important to listen to his teacher. I told him I knew he would get the hang of the new routine.
I told him I loved him to the moon and back.
This gig just shreds your heart, doesn't it?
Awww your little man is super special!!! Loving his outfit and hair too cool for daycare…
Mummy gig is hard work but matey I must say your doing a fab job perfect words to your son on the changes at daycare I know many mums who would just say don’t be naughty and not acknowledge how big a change it us xoxo
Oh he slays me. That kissy pic is sooooooooooo adorable.
A total heart breaker… mostly the Mumma’s heart right now, but imagine the future line up. Your son is beautiful, inside and out xx
Thanks, honey. I really appreciate that. Especially because you work in the industry. He’s NOT a perfect child by any means, I know that but I think today was a big day and I expect the transition will take a while.
xxx
He’s so ridiculous, Rae, I’m telling you. He is such a poser and I can’t understand where gets it from….?
Yes, he is breaking my heart. I just want to protect him from the world.
But you know, he is a beautiful kid. Not perfect but a beautiful kid nonetheless.
Moving and honest as always. Hang in there Angie. This too shall pass. LD looks and sounds like such a gorgeous little man. I think he chose you to be his mumma for a very special reason.
Thank you, Julie. For the many ways you show your support.
And yes, this little man is a lovely little human being and I am supremely blessed that he chose me.
xx
Angie, I love reading what you write because I feel like I am so close to what you are going through. I have suffered with depression since I was 18, I’m on Zoloft atm and have just upped my dose to be able to handle my life.
Also, yeah, this gig is hard, but I look at my oldest baby (he will be 2 years old on the 26 June), and my heart just melts. I love that kid like there is no tomorrow. But I often think he deserves a better mother than me. I try my best but I always feel like it isn’t good enough. He is an angel, a top baby, and he deserves a top mother.
I hate that feeling that perhaps your child deserves a better mother. It’s such a debilitating feeling, but I hope you know how blessed your boys really are to have you for their mumma.
Love LD, too. x
Thank you, Debbie.
I’m so glad that you are able to connect with that I write on some level. I hope you know you’re not alone – just as you sharing this with me helps me to feel that I am not alone.
Your beautiful little boy DOES deserve a top mother – and you were the one he chose. So rest assured that you are exactly what he needs, bad days and all.
xxxx
Yep, it happens to me a bit. Just feeling that I respond with drama far more than I should. But then some days, I feel like I hit it for six (whatever that means, I hate cricket!) – so there is some kind of precarious balance there. Fingers crossed it’s enough.
xx
Thanks Angie! 🙂