There are nights sitting around the dining table after the evening meal when I just don't want to get up again.
Getting up means dishes, bathtime, bedtime. Getting up means work.
There are some days when I don't have it in me to keep going.
But I do. Because I must.
Today was a shitty day. Being woken at 3.30am and trying to get back to sleep in a toddler bed (long story) did not help. Logging on to Facebook and finding I had offended a reader of the blog? Not helpful either.
But it's more than that. I thought about it today and realised I am pinning everything on our upcoming move. In my mind, the move will solve a whole host of issues – lack of motivation, cabin fever, accumulation suffocation.
Living in this 'temporary' state is frustrating. My home and the junk I fill it with are in desperate need of an overhaul – a massive spring clean is well overdue. I am a person who responds very favourably to clearing out and lightening the load (aren't we all?) – and conversely, if I am surrounded by unsorted clutter, both physical and mental, I get dragged down.
Being in a state of 'where to next?' for the last few months has resulted in what I call accumulation suffocation. Stuff keeps coming into this house and because I know we are not staying, it has been piling up without a permanent place to be stored.
And cabin fever – oh, the cabin fever. Let me tell you, living in an upside down two-storey house is the worst. It just isn't practical. Every time I need to go downstairs for something, the safety gate alerts the boys and if I don't want them to come with me (which is often the case because a quick job ends up being a saga of epic proportions), they stand at the gate yelling or crying or both. So invariably we all stay upstairs because I can't deal with the bullshit of getting everyone up and down the stairs.
And then there's the fact that Zee moves chairs to the saftey gate and climbs up. Shudder.
So our new place is, in my mind, the redeemer. I look to the move as a way to reclaim my mojo.
And in many ways, I know moving will provide a much needed boost.
But today it occured to me, what if I'm depressed again?
I am still very much a medicated little woman. That's how I operate. That's my truth for now. But I am and always have been on the very lowest dosage.
For the very first time, I am considering whether I need to up my meds?
B is a gem. He tells me it's no wonder I am stressed, of course I feel unmotivated, the enormous task of moving leaving me at a loss as to where to begin.
But still, I need to be careful that when the move is done and order restored to my little nest, that I don't fall apart.
I will need to watch my little mumma self, make sure I am giving her what she needs.
Because right now, she feels like running away and not coming back.
Right now, being at home with her family feels like slowly suffocating.
Right now, her coping mechanisms are way, way down.
And I know that's not authentically her.
I also know these can be warning signs.
My sons, my beautiful little boys deserve a better mumma than they are getting right now.
But some days, this little mumma wants to be somewhere else.
Big hugs Angie xxxx
I think that there are days where all Mummas want to be somewhere else. It doesn’t make us a bad Mumma, just a stretched and flat Mumma. I have 3 boys aged 6, 10 and 11 and was excited to come home from work and spend time with them tonight while my husband was out. Boy did I have rose coloured glasses on. By the time I did dinner, homework, pj’s, cleaning, ask them to do everything 5 friggin times etc etc I wanted to run down the road screaming (with 3 kids and a dog chasing me). I just keep reminding myself that this is a temporary state. TEMPORARY (please let it be temporary…)
Thank you, lovely one. xxx
Ah yes, Susan, I have a pair of those glasses myself!
Thank you for sharing. It makes a difference to know that I’m not alone. xxx
Oh honey…. Once again, you’ve captured my exact recent thoughts/feelings. EXACT. And, as you know, that meant i needed a little extra help. So yeah – perhaps it is just the frustration and suffocation of limbo-land, in between moves (and moving house is fucked up shit) but it might be a warning sign too. Either way you WILL get past this.
I wish i could offer some helpful advice – except maybe picture that ‘Brad Pitt on the treadmill’ scene, and how awesome you felt at that time. Is gym time at all possible right now? I definitely feel like a newly motivated, out-of-the-fog woman since i started up at the gym.
You know i love you, and i am truly thankful for your honesty about such subjects. You help and inspire more than you could ever know xx
Oh beloved Sugar Rae, have I mentioned lately how you are one of the most treasured creatures to ever grace my life path?
Well, you are.
Just you mentioning Brad Pitt made me laugh out loud, girlfriend! And yes, I am working out and that is a HUGE help but then I come home and the magnitude of what is ahead of me starts to weigh on my shoulders. Gah! There is so much to do but the boys, particularly Zee, are quite demanding at the moment. It’s tricky.
Thank you for ‘listening’ to me and supporting me the way you do.
Love you times a billion. xxxx
Thanks sweetness. Wish i lived closer so that i could help out with packing, kid-entertaining, and most importantly, wine-drinking xoxoxox
Yes, I could really use a hand with the wine drinking. And whatever else you said….
Massive hugs Angie! It’s scary to question it. I often question whether I’m depressed again or just down? I go through these periods where I am a sucky mum/person to be around. Just get into a funk and don’t see a way out. Am I depressed, I’m not sure. I try my best to climb out and do better.
I know the feeling of wanting to run away. It’s scat how often I feel that way.
I just wanted to let you know your not alone. Just like I want to thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. Huge, massive squishy hugs!!!
Keep treading water baby. love you, cyber hugs.
Picture me doggy paddling, babe. Thank you. xxx
Oh, my friend, thank you for your beautiful words and for sharing with me. It does help to ease the burden somewhat, doesn’t it?
Hugs right back to you, gorgeous one.
xxxx
Xxxoooxoxo
Oh, I have had SO many days when I thought, “my kids deserve a much better mother than I am today.” But no one can be a great mom 24/7. It’s just impossible. I can remember a particularly bad week when I felt like I was on the verge of snapping all week. All I seemed to do was yell at my boys–they were probably around the ages yours are now. I was confessing my guilty feelings to my own mother and she said, “Everyone yells at their kids sometime.” When I told her I couldn’t remember her EVER yelling at us, she laughed and said, “I was always yelling at you kids!”
I really don’t remember my mother raising her voice to us. To me, she always seemed calm and in control. I guess kids are more resilient than moms sometimes!
I know others have said it, but hang in there. You have a lot of support out here in cyberspace :-).
So much I want to respond with, but has already been said above. Wishes of being able to help out, and so on.
You know, I have a feeling that the new home will be a blessing for you, and you are going to be far happier there than you realise. I just have a feeling. Not least because upside down houses suck (our last place in Sydney was kind of like that too – bedrooms and kitchen on the street level, but living space and laundry downstairs, split level… not easy with a huge belly, then newborn, but I dread to think how much harder with an ‘adventurous’ toddler like ours). And the declutter will help, for sure. I hate that feeling of being in limbo and can never find a positive from it.
And cabin fever? It sucks, I know… but I’m so glad that you’re keeping an eye on these feelings and being prepared for the possibility of it being something deeper. Little Mumma also needs to look out for number one, because a happy, healthy mumma is crucial for happy little munchkins like yours. Speedy, easy moving vibes being sent your way. xxx
Thank you. xxx
You know what? I was thinking about whether Mum ever yelled at us when we were this little. If she did, I have no recollection. So that’s good to know….. Sigh.
When I feel like I’m fraying at the edges, I do some serious yelling.
Thank you so much, Victoria. I feel very blessed to have such support. xxx
Thanks, Mad. I know you’re right – I believe the move will be everything I think it will. A much needed reboot for this tired little system of mine.
But yeah, it doesn’t hurt to just keep a cautionary eye on myself either.
Oh and did I mention the big, grassy backyard that I’m going to herd the kids into every morning?
ugh, I call them my heavy days. Sometimes I even sing in my head ‘They aint heavy they’re my fam-leeeeee’.
Bless your cotton socks. Don’t stress about your one singluar hater – by the sounds of her she was either going to dislike you or stalk you…. better it be the first one
Chin up – you make my day brighter – I hope something makes you day brighter today
I’ve had depression before and my BFF is still going through it. It’s a tough state, let alone having to even THINK about moving, and then actually have to go through wit it. I’m fine now and still shudder at the thought of having to move. Perhaps up the meds until the move is over? I spent 8 months on the lowest dose and althogh I felt better, I still didn’t feel quite right. Once I doubled the dose – wham! (well, you know, not exactly wham but over the two weeks I started to feel more like how I used to be). I think you need to use whatever help you can get to get through this when you consider moving house is in the top 5 stressors of life. You could always lower your dosage once the move is accomplished. Good luck with whatever you decide. I’d be leaning on people big time. And if you happen to be moving anywhere near me (I’m in Thornbury) then I’m happy to entertain the boys for an afternoon (I have 2 as well, just turned 4 years old and 18 months)so you can get stuff done! That’s if you can cope with some random blog-reading fellow mumma that you’ve never met near your kids!
Massive hugs poss. Once again, I totally love your honesty, you say out loud what so many of us are afraid to say. I think Winter plays a huge part in one’s state of mind too, I truly do suffer the Winter Blues when I feel like i’m in a constant fog. You have so much on your plate at the moment, and you’re doing an absolute sterling job of keeping all those balls in the air, even if there’s days when you feel that’s not the case. Lots of love to you my gorgeous friend xo
Oh honey – when you find your mojo – can you look for mine too? It has left the building. Right now – I am actively forcing my feet to remain on the ground and not go to the garage, get in my car and race down to Coles like I do every night to fill a trolley with junk food. I am eating my feelings right now. Still, not so long ago I was drinking them. Vodka Veil or Violent Crumble? Which is the lesser evil…………
I love you. And you are an ever present image of dry hump in my head. xxxxx
Thanks so much for your honesty Angie. You amaze me.
Some girls above have written some wonderful things, print them and stick ’em up on your wall!
I so have days where I want to check out, run away, hide under the covers and never come out. You are not alone.
Hugs to you gorgeous girl xox
Oh Angie.. Sounds like we had a similar day. I think most mummas can relate but it doesnt make it any easier when you are in the thick of it.
Hang in there and remember, this too shall pass x
I might sing that song, too.
Thanks, Em. You’re a gem.
Em the gem.
Oh my goodness, you’re a love! What an offer! Imagine you with 4 boys under 5???? You crazy lady!
Thank you. I am pretty good for back-up at this point. I am a lucky girl in this way.
But you are a beautiful person and I am very grateful that you come here and read, share your stories and offer such kindness.
I am touched.
Yes, cold weather does not help the issue. You’re right, Belle.
Thank you for the love. You’re a wonderful friend. xxx
I am doing a mix of eating and drinking them. Is that wrong?
I just like to be unpredictable that way….
I love you. Oh, I so do.
It’s time for a mojo risin’….whatever that means….
You’re right, the messages here are like tiny treasures I hold in my heart – I should definitely print them and remind myself of the kindness on a daily basis.
And thank you for your words, Mrs Lovely!
xxx
Thank you, Jess.
I know these days are shared by my mumma friends. I think that’s why I talk about them – because relating is so important. It builds such beautiful connections between we women, I find.
Thank you. xx
Oh my darling girl. I hate it that you are having this period of stress and, yes, maybe more depression than usual (of course up the meds)when I haven’t been around to see you and wrangle kids for a while. I remember times like this when you guys were little – did I yell? Of course I did. And the fact that you don’t remember should give you cause to know it’s ok to yell sometimes because your kids won’t remember that. They will remember all the time you take with them even if you are wanting to be off on your own. They will remember the laughter and the fun. Have a look at some of your photos with your boys and see their joy at being with you and take heart. My mum used to say nothing lasts, good or bad and, although I hated her saying it, she was right. I will be down ASAP – can’t fix it all but we can have some laughs. Your new little house is too cute for words and you know they say a change is as good as a holiday. Thank God we have lots of step-brothers to pitch in with the mood. I love you and am so proud of you precious daughter.
Thank you, Mumma. You really are the best mum in the universe.
Love you. xxxx
Aaah Angie, just do a little bit everyday.
Write some lists and just achieve a little each day and before u know it, it shall be done.
Oh and if u consume lots of dark chocolate u are not only keeping healthy, loads of antioxidants etc, studies show it actually gets all the happy hormones pumping around the body!!
Or just put on those fabulous size 7 jeans that are a bit too big but make your bum look great, some great music and boogie your fab self and the munchkins around the house…..
Also u can come down for a walk on the beach anytime!!
🙂 x
Ha! Thanks, lady. Excellent advice there.
However, there didn’t seem to be any mention of wine….surely just an oversight??
We definitely need a walk on the beach! xxx
My love to you Angie. I went through a similar head space late last year…I was very UNHAPPY. But I tell you talking about it was the best and like your mum and my dad always say: One day at a time. So cliched but really living in the moment is a great way not to let the everythingness (not sure thats a word) of today and tomorrow and next week get on top of you. Love you heaps and expect a call so us and our trailer can come help you move 🙂
Oh Ruthy, you’re a beautiful sister, you really are. Thank you.
I’m sorry you had such a dark patch. Thank God for Betty and Himself, huh?
Oh and I like ‘everythingness’ – totally going to use it now.
If you can spare a hand that would be awesome but don’t you kind of have your hands full, babe?
You lovely thing you. Hey whats a woman that doesnt love being busy 🙂 And a day out….any day out…I love. So count us in 🙂