Despite my overall 'fuck you' attitude to the letter we received from the heinous neighbours, don't let me fool you. I was VERY upset. We discovered the envelope in the letterbox as B was heading to work one morning. He was full of indignation and I soothed him, telling him to forget it, not to let it spoil his day.

And then proceeded to let it well and truly spoil mine.

It was still early morning as I farewelled B so closing the front door, I was never more acutely aware that we shared a wall with people. I was paranoid. I yelled at the kids more than once for being too loud. For those first few hours, the letter had the intended effect. And what a miserable existence that was.

That you, the gorgeous readers of The Little Mumma, would respond with such one-eyed support and encouragement was worth so much more than you could know.

Because even though I know the letter we received was unfair and unreasonable, until you run it by someone else, you're filled with a nagging doubt.

So thank you.

And to celebrate, I thought I would write the other letter. Just because I can. Because it's fun to call someone a fuckwit behind their back.

I should add a piece of information that probably should have prefaced the original letter. Who are our neighbours?

Our letter writing friends next door are a mother and daughter team. Mum is in her early 60s and daughter would be late 20s, early 30s. Daughter is home A LOT. Sleeping, presumably. And no, she doesn't work nightshift – I've checked. Her car is ALWAYS there, day and night. And no, Mum isn't invalid and requiring the full time care of her daughter. 

Mothers and daughters living together? Dangerous. My mum is probably my closest friend but if I had to live with her again? I would smother her with a pillow.

So, to our alternate letter.

To the Caring Understanding Neighbourly Tolerant Sweethearts who live next door,

It's great to hear from you! It's so important to us that we have an open and honest relationship with the people we live in such close proximity to. Thank you for keeping those lines of communication open!

You don't like the running and jumping? Fair call. So just for you, we're going to put the stereo on from 5.30am. We're thinking either Slayer or Megadeath. You know, to make sure we completely mask that echo you're hearing.

Also, would you consider making a list of some of your expert child-rearing tips because it's pretty obvious, our sons are feral and we have completely lost control of them. Gosh, this parenting gig sure is hard! You two seem to have such a harmonious existence together. Please, what's your secret?

Better yet, why don't you come over for a roast dinner this Sunday and teach the boys how to behave in person. We have the facilities for you to do a Powerpoint presentation if you like. Oh my goodness, this is so exciting!

Yes, the boys are only 1 and 3 but if we start making excuses for their behaviour now, where will it end? We really are indebted to you for forcing us to confront this embarrassing problem. 

We are so sorry about the thin walls. We just didn't forsee the problem when we signed on as tenants. We really should have done our homework in terms of insulation. This kind of short-sightedness is unforgivable on our part and really, knowing the kind of children we have, we should have chosen a more suitable abode. Preferably one in the middle of  a paddock where no-one can hear us living. We've been thoughtless, we know.

We know that you, Daughter, share a bedroom wall with our eldest boy. We apologise. He is a terrible child and we'd be lying if we said we haven't thought about giving him away. Thank you for slamming your fist against the wall when he is playing in the morning. He needs to learn that life isn't all fun and games. He's almost four years old, afterall.

Interestingly though, our son has never complained that he has been woken by you being shagged sideways by a loving partner. Hmmm.

We're delighted to hear that you've contacted the Body Corporate. For us, this has almost been like an intervention. We admit, it's been a long time coming and is for our own good. Don't forget to mention our propensity to smoke crack in the laundry, feed our boys toast for dinner and also, that we send subliminal messages to the neighbourhood cats to piss on your front doorstep.

Thank you again for taking the time. You truly are Caring Understanding Neighbourly Tolerant Sweethearts.

Don't be a stranger now!

With so much respect we can't see straight,

The Family M-G.

 Did you like reading this? Think others should read it, too? Please click below!