We feel we have been very patient with your child running and jumping in the early hours of the morning for the time you have been living here. We realise only a child but a bit of respect both for the owner and neighbours would be appreciated as the walls are thin and things echo.
We will be taking this to the Body Corp.
Thank You
The above is a real and actual letter we received from our real and actual fuckwits for neighbours.
I’ve been thinking about how I might like to respond. I have an idea or two but I’m afraid I might come across as impolite.
And then, there are the things I really, really can’t say.
This isn't the letter I want to write. But this is the one they're going to get.
Dear neighbours,
We were saddened to receive your recent letter. But not shocked.
In all our years together and the various houses we have lived in, we can not recall ever having neighbours who were so unfriendly. To be accused of not having ‘respect’ by people who refuse to give a simple hello or a smile should we happen to be outside at the same time seems incredible to us. To say that you have been ‘very patient’ when the only time we have ever been alerted to the fact that you could hear us at all was when you rang the doorbell at around 8am in the morning to tell us, very rudely, that you could “hear everything that is going on up there!” seems equally incredible. Especially when the ‘everything’ in question was the song “Puff The Magic Dragon” playing on my three-year-old son's stereo.
As to your complaint, the running and jumping you speak of we actually refer to in this family as ‘playing.’ What you are hearing is two very young children, one who is three and the other who is one, playing together. Yes, they rise early. Generally between 6am and 7am in the morning. Do we wish it was later? Of course! We would love it if they slept in. Unfortunately, they don’t.
And unfortunately, you are finding that noise carries. Do we want to disturb you? Of course not. We are sympathetic to your plight. But here is the tricky part. Exactly what would you have us do about it? How would you suggest we fix the problem? We turn the television on and the kids will often sit and watch quietly but we can’t force them to do this and we wouldn’t want to. So we are genuinely perplexed as to how you think we could solve this issue. Would you have us tie them down until an hour you deem appropriate to resume our normal living? At what time would that be exactly?
We have two very young and energetic boys who are playing in their own home. Don’t they have the right to do that? Are our rights to carry on as a normal family in our own home any less than your rights to sleep in when most of the world is up and preparing for the day ahead?
The EPA website talks about noise restrictions prior to 7am in the morning. But even then, they never once mention the noise of children. They talk about music late at night, machinery early in the morning. Children running and jumping? No. In fact, children aren’t mentioned AT ALL. Because you can’t regulate kids.
The issue, as we see it, is this. You have bought a townhouse which shares walls with the property on either side of you. And these townhouses have obviously been cheaply built in terms of insulation. If you weren’t prepared to hear some living noises, then it seems you have made quite a major error in choosing to purchase this kind of property. This is unfortunate for you. But not really our problem.
We are reasonable people. If you had come to us early on, let us know that you could hear us, perhaps tried to work out a compromise in a civil and friendly manner, we would have bent over backwards to help you out. But instead, the only contact we have had is a rude early morning visit from a scowling woman in a dressing gown and now this letter. Oh, and let’s not forget, banging on the walls of my three-year-old son’s bedroom. You have scared him on more than one occasion. Thank you for that.
In fact, that’s the most upsetting part. Some mornings we had been closing our three-year-olds bedroom door to stop him from playing in there so as to minimise the disturbance to you. We had sought to keep our son out of his own bedroom in an effort to ‘respect’ you. But what respect have you shown us?
As we said, we were not shocked at this letter. But we are sad. We can’t imagine living a life where the sound of children playing would become the cause of such angst and ill will. Perhaps if you had tried to get to know us, your neighbours, you would appreciate just how lovely the sound of our two little boys playing together really is.
Good luck with the Body Corp.
Your neighbours.
So, did I behave myself?
It's not about popularity, it's just about world domination.
CLICK THAT BOX!
Oooh honey – that is PERFECT!!! Perfect!!! Well said. And i’m really glad you decided to write this to those unrealistic, bitter neighbours. I’m still gobsmacked by their rudeness.
Bravo babe – and good luck xx
Love you work Angie – Hope the old battleaxe is too overcome with guilt and shame to continue with her complaints.
You think? I wasn’t too snarky? I so know I am in the right and yet, I hesitate.
Hmmm, now I just have to print it and put it in their letterbox. Eeep!
Yeah tell them to take it to body Corp, to remind them on what a shit box they did. Go girl go hard, I’ll support you, as a former neighbour who probably use to keep her neighbors awake with loud music!
Well, that was certainly the intention. Guilt, shame, the realisation that they are two of the most heinous creatures on God’s earth….
That’s exactly it, babe. Back in the day, before kids and living in apartments, we were probably shocking neighbours with our loud music and me singing! But no-one ever complained because we were always friends with them.
Awesome, please print and post right now. This could not have been said any better.
Thank you, Kelly!
What complete bastards. Excellent response darling. Wankers!!
What complete bastards. Perfect response darling. Wankers!
Thank you, babe! xx
Angie, I think it’s a good letter. They don’t realise they have taken on a wordsmith and that was their first mistake. Their note just looks pathetic in comparison to your response.
Perfect, perfect, perfect!
A nice serving of reality for those bitter spinsters.
I think it’s a great letter. In fact, I’d say it’s more diplomatic than they deserve. I’d send it, but I’m sure they’d never read all the way to the best part–where you tell them you’ve closed your son out of his own room so it wouldn’t disturb them.
You might offer to “cover up” the sound of your children playing… with bagpipe music :-).
I’m reading it back and considering alterations! And nothing to do with the message but rather how the language flows. Ha! I think my finessing may be lost on the recipients.
Thanks, Mad! I hope so.
Perfectly put hun!
Thank you, Victoria! The bagpipes idea is GENIUS.
The letter is long, isn’t it? I’m wordy especially when incensed! But you know what, I am certain they WILL read all the way to the bottom, no doubt hoping that I write something that can be taken as abusive or threatening.
Thanks, babe. xx
Absolutely perfect response to such a shitty letter….go get ’em Angie!
Thank you!
Only about 798 more words than the two I’d have used in my reply dearest!
I know, right?
C.U.Next.Tuesday.Stevie – that would have been quite satisfying, too.
Love you, best neighbours ever…. xxx
Seriously, what fuckers babe!!!! Your letter is absolutey perfect, & I agree with your sign off, good luck to them with the Body Corporate!!!
Sounds to me like Ms Scowling Face in Dressing Gown needs a jolly good rodgering :P!!!!
So when is B getting the band back together and planning to rehearse at your place?!! Fuck ’em!
Oh, Belle. You’ve hit the nail on the head more than you know. I forgot to mention that the neighbours are a mother and daughter team. Hmmm…….
Good call, Mum. It’s time to being out the big guns.
This is my mum! How good is my mum?
Oh that is brilliant….the only thing you might like to add, is a neighbourly offer to cook her meals once she comes home from hospital… (after having the pole surgically removed from her arse)!!!
Ah yes. A nice arsenic pasta perhaps?
You definately send that letter Angie. You are not impolite, what you said was absolutely perfect.
A home where a child can play freely and without restrictions or control is a wonderful place and one I would gladly live next door to.
Wow … love it! A whole bunch of wit, a touch of sarcasm and all to the point in a friendly and un-bitchy manner! Where were you 3 months ago when I needed to write a letter to our hell-ish neighbours?!?!
Well done & good luck x
Brilliant! Bring it on.
Thanks, Julie. Wish you were my neighbour!
Thanks, Renee!
Maybe I should start a letter writing business?
Thanks, Basia!
oh put it in their letter box – please please please! just go shove it in their box
Love it!!! Perfect “stick it up your bum” letter. Send it now!!!!
They do need something shoved in their box……
Thanks, babe. I’m going to do it!
Hey Angie,
Feel like a play date??!! I would hate to think what your “lovely” neighbours would think of two obviously out of control boys and two girls…
Hannah and Mackenzie would shock them – but then again if they found out where we live, they probably wouldn’t be surprised.
Lovely letter BTW, I wouldn’t of been so nice about it.
Sure, babe. Do you have a drumkit the girls like to play? Bring that, too!
That is absolutely insane. Some people must live sad, sad lives to think the sound of children playing erks them so much. All I can say is GOODLUCK to the family who tried to tell us our kids are too loud *which they are on occassion, what kids arent* because I’m not sure i’d be able 2 behave myself as much as you did.. words perfectly placed! Good Job! let us know if any replies are given?
Thanks Amanda!
If I get a reply, I will definitely keep you posted. 🙂
Too soft for my liking, but as my Mum flashed her tits at the man next door for peeping over the fence & yet never actually saying Hi, I think you understand I am not patient or nice to dumbfucks!!!
I like the other letter better :).
Well, I had a sneaking suspicion, Trace….. 😉
So do I!