Motherhood is not for the faint-hearted.
Everyone guesses it’ll probably be hard. And that, on occasion, it might just out and out suck.
But you’ll know you’ve reached an all time low when your day goes like this. (ACTUAL day, no creative license taken)
– 3 year old wakes at 5am. Noted as first act of aggression
- Eats a ¼ of breakfast, smears remainder on dining room table
- After being told a trip to the play centre is imminent as reward for previous days good behaviour, proceeds to bang on about play centre without pause
- After repeatedly being told not to, rolls baby brother onto floor so that baby hits head and starts to cry
- Sent to room for being naughty. Replies, “I’m not naughty, I’m funny”
- Fakes intense distress at nappy being changed
- Still on change table, further distress at being dressed for the day including kicking mother in the tits (mother is short, kick would connect with normal sized human beings guts – still uncool)
- Still banging on about play centre and shocked to discover that recent bad behaviour overrides past good and thus, no play centre today
- Rolls baby brother again for good measure (baby brother appears delighted leading mother to now view baby as traitor)
- Steals toy baby is currently enjoying, making baby cry (smugly, mother returns toy to baby – maybe next time baby will choose sides more wisely)
- Plays with tea set for approximately 2 seconds before throwing everything on the floor
- When told to pick up thrown tea set, throws self to floor
- On being ignored, employs tears and wailing to sell point
- After mother suggests a snack, repeatedly demands snack until it is sitting in front of him
- Finishes snack and starts calling out for mother who has taken the opportunity to put baby down for a sleep
- Finds mother in baby’s room and despite mothers hissing and gesticulating to leave room while baby falls asleep, proceeds to go to baby’s toy box and retrieve toy piano
- Plays toy piano and sings despite mothers continued hissing and gesticulating
- Disturbs baby and is thusly marched out of room by mother
- During process of being marched, suddenly afflicted with paralysis of the legs forcing mother to drag child out while also cradling baby
- Wails “I’m feeling saaaaaad” at baby’s bedroom door for another 5 minutes before boredom sets in
And then, the clock strikes 9.
A motherfucking M.
I could tell you about the rest of the day. But I’ve blocked it out.
So what has motherhood taught me today? The value of contraception.