Motherhood has changed me. I think it changes everyone but maybe in different and unique ways. My mum, Betty, says it’s softened me. She says she loves seeing me with LD. The expression on my face as I watch my son, Betty says, is like nothing she’s ever seen me make before. Now see, I’d be willing to bet it’s almost identical to the face I make when the Pancake Parlour waitress places a short stack with maple syrup and whipped butter in front of me but whatever.
For me, the most obvious change is how domesticated I’ve become. But more than that, it’s the joy I take in all things domestic. The way I have a female hard-on for my new Dyson doesn’t really count because that machine is a BEAST and I challenge anyone to vacuum with it and not be turned on. No, it’s the little things. Say, the new toilet spray. First, I was wooed by the name. ‘Lotus’. A single word, so full of promise. A word that was both delicate and ethereal and yet strong enough to tackle the most heinous of bathroom crimes. And then, I sprayed. And, blessed angels, if the description on the can wasn’t spot on! “It is elegant!” I exclaimed. Out loud. To no-one, the wonder in my voice echoing back to me that way dunnies will make voices do.
And if I had any doubts about whether this was really a motherhood thing, they were completely erased during a conversation with my cousin, Kitty (without kids) and neighbour and fellow mum, Saucy Sally. SS and I were exclaiming over my new fridge when Kitty interrupted, “Why are we talking about white goods?” she asked. “As far as I can see, a fridge is for keeping your nail polish in. How much more do we need to say about that?” Sally and I exchanged a knowing glance and shook our heads because apart from anything else, we knew Kitty was forgetting about the vodka in her freezer.
At this point, I think I need to make clear that I don’t consider myself all that good at the domestic gig. I mean, I dream of being a 1950’s housewife but my core truth always prevails and more often than not, I’ll eat a packet of Cheezels in front of Oprah instead. Even the Dyson, whilst still thrilling to me on many levels, ultimately feels like vacuuming up crap from the floors. It occurs to me if this was actually a paid job, I would have had my three written warnings and been fired a long time ago.
So what has motherhood taught me today? Motherhood is a club and a good member always shares. Ambi Pur Puresse Lotus (Allergen Reduced!) – it really will add a touch of elegance to your home.